two birthdays down, two to go

well my baby boy parker turns 12 today. and my daughter (and favorite oldest child) madison turned 14 on sunday.

amazing.

its amazing how everything people told you about life passing you by so quickly will catch up with you while you are making pickle wraps in the kitchen, and your husband stands baffled while you cry. rolling those pickles in cream cheese, you look into the living room at your four children rocking out to weezer, dancing like they hadn't fought all morning long, but like they were the best friends you always wanted your kids to be. and how 5 minutes earlier, your husband came up behind you and snuggled your neck and kissed you, and told you how much he loved you. (like the movies, seriously, it was. it gave me goose bumps). fast forward to the center island 5 minutes later, tears rolling down your cheeks, and all you can do is smile through them.

i think about the mom i was when i was 19. the day i had madison, how overwhelmed i was, because in truth, i knew i wasn't ready to be a mom. all the visitors left me flustered, and all i could do was feel uncomfortable in my own skin, because i didn't recognize this little monkey that someone had legally entrusted me with. but i knew i had lots of help, and i was going to need it. friends like mo, sisters like kelly to teach me, and a baby sis like melissa to come home from TX and help me feel 19 again. a mom and dad, divorcing, who set it all aside and helped me be me, in the mom form. and for a great grandma, like mom mom, who let me sleep some sanity in, did all the bathing and cooking and cleaning, and let me slowly dip my foot into the pool of motherhood. you would think with all that training and help, i'd be ready two years and two days later for parker, but boy, i wasn't!

that fall day, two days after madison's 2nd birthday party, when this little man was born. i remember how safe i felt, knowing that i had a husband to share that birthing room with. how all the 9 interns and 1 doctor and 2 nurses made the room feel crowded, but the room was silent when nate whispered in my ear "you can do this, babe!" his sweet little faced, bruised and dented from all the force the doctors used on him smiled back at me, and i loved his little nose, which looked just like his dad.i felt i must have given nate the best gift, because while i watched him look at parker while holding madison on his lap, i knew we were a perfect family. i had him to rely on, and madison to help the transition go smoothly (she has no idea, to this day, how much of a help she was to me!). it was hard, being home, and feeling alone. there were dark days, and even darker moments, but when i stop to think of all the moments that were best, i think i can say i did a pretty good job. watching madison and parker form bonds i'd never understand (being that i came from all girls) i was happy to have a boy, even if i didn't (and still don't!) understand what makes them tick. he is perfect, and sweet. and i adore him more every day.

so happy giving-birth day to me, and happy 12th birthday to parker. the first piece in the olson puzzle that made us a family. i am so blessed. so very very blessed.