Wednesday, October 20, 2010

i've turned off the disconnect button

i've been feeling a little lost lately

not at my job(s), which i love
not with my kids, whom i adore

but with my man.

yep, this guy

and its sad, because EVERYONE warns you. "make sure you find time to connect. make sure you take time for each other. make sure that you don't put your kids first".

we have always been the "quality time when we can get it" people, and its been enough to make the magic happen most days.

but when you're looking down the throat of 12 years of marriage, the magic moments tend to be a little....hmmmm... less sparkly than you'd like sometimes.

take this fall. football. student council. switching jobs, twice. vehicle stress. changing buildings. business trips. the whole shabang. it makes for some exhausting weeknights.

and the short tempers
and the quick to fight back response
and the "who in the h*ll do you think you are, not putting me first or remembering my needs or helping with the chores, or making me feel loved, or even remembering to kiss me goodnight" repsonse.

yeah, it kinda got that far.

and somewhere in the thick of it we had one of those arguments, where you say things you can never take back, and things happen that change the shape of your marriage. and at that moment, you can see it all slipping away.

it was the most stomach wrenching, fearful moment of my life.

and we're climbing back from it. but still, there's a gap between us. there's my end of the couch, and your end of the couch. my schedule, your schedule. my plans, your plans. and it starts to be okay. because you get more done when you don't have to plan around someone else.

only that someone else is the center of your world, and you really start to feel alone in a 3000 square foot home.

so i stopped. and i remembered what brought us together in the first place.

friendship, and laughter. no love. just those two things.

so i stopped with the kissing, and stopped with the "making quality time" or anything else.

and i made time to laugh with him, at us, and at the kids, and at anything else that was funny.
and we made time to be friends. "sure, i'll watch you put your motorcycle back together for 2 hours" and "you can sit and watch 'teen mom' with me again, and talk about how sad we are for the girls in this next generation".

so maybe the tv wasn't turned off, so we could "connect". but we found the friendship, and sometime in the fast few weeks, those first kiss..first everything flutters have started to come back.

and baby, i think i'm in love.

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