i see all these photos from parties i'm not at, and weddings of people from LONGGGGGG ago, with friends that were friends equally long ago, and i wonder why i'm not in them. not invited, not mentioned, not even a thought.
its not like i have a lifestyle like theirs, or have careers like theirs, or even have a need to be friends with them anymore, but so much of my life is spent....where? i have re-typed that sentence with three different endings, and none of them make sense. i have kids, but so do the people in the photos. i have a job, and so do the people having fun. i have a husband, and so do everyone in the photos of couples having game nites and parties.
so what is it?
i feel like most of my life is spent on the sidelines, watching everyone having fun, and wishing i could be a part of it. someone the other day found out i was "invited" to go out to lunch with some friends, and they asked "why are you hanging out with my friends? i didn't think they were your friends." and she was right.
they aren't my friends. they are just people who invite me to things, because they know that i bring a lot of fun with me.
the sad part of it is that most of my life is spent indoors, watching tv, hanging with my kids, and being with my husband. because we don't get invited to things, we don't have any other couples we hang out with, and i don't feel like i have any real true friends, other than my two sisters and people that i call "co-workers"
this is me, wondering why life at 31 feels strangely like life in high school. and wishing, again, that i felt like i belonged.