i'm a night reader

not a night ranger, though the two can be easily confused. haha

(and i love that i always put haha in text, even though i am actually laughing out loud)


anyways





i'm a night reader. i rarely read during the day, unless its in my van waiting somewhere. or at work during down time. its like i have to read while already busy to justify it. but i LOVE to read in bed. i've done it since i was 8. my parents had a rule. (okay, they had a LOT of rules, but this one applies here): "lights out at bedtime, no exceptions"

and i was the kids with the nerves of a jumpy housecat and a WILD imagination to plague me with awful awful, "shouldn't be kid thoughts", all night long. and my dad had no tolerance for crying, or me coming to see them in the parent's room. so at the age of 8, i learned how to fake sleep when my dad came to check on me. i knew, like clockwork, at 10 he'd watch the news, at 10:30, it was cheers, and then he was off to bed. lie still, but breathe deep, because that's how sleeping people deep. oh, don't even try to fake closing your eyes, just face the wall. he'd close my door, their door would close, and the house would get silent.

count to 30. then plug in my christmas lights around my window (wicked hee hee inserted here) and ruin my eyes for the next 20 years squinting at the book in the rainbow dim of april christmas lights. my books were my companions in those dark, quiet nights. i read until i fell asleep, there on the floor, or in my bed if i'd gotten new batteries for my flashlight. the book spine pressed up against my face, i read until i was exhausted.

and it wasn't enough to have one book. if i had one, i'd better have the next one in the series, or another book to follow it up. because chances were i would finish that book, and if i didn't have another one to read, i'd have to lay there in the quiet. :gasp:

so imagine my frustration, at the age of 33, when at 3:20 in the morning this morning, while reading a delicious Francine Rivers book my big sis loaned me, my dismay to find out that it's not a novel, but a 2 part series.

yeah, i was bugged.

and awake.

at 3:20am.

fortunately, unlike my dad, i don't have a lights out rule, so i just lay there with my lights on, and drew pics on nate's back with my finger until i fell asleep.

some things never change, but it's amazing the way other things do.

i am contemplating having more kids....

......because i would just really rather stay home. maybe i'm romanticizing it. maybe i foggily remember what it was like being a stay at home mom. (nate assures me i do). maybe its just because i've worked every crappy part time job you can imagine since the day i turned fifteen and my dad convinced me that "everyone works".

here are a list of my accomplishments:

overnite gas station attendant....check
mcdonald's cashier and cook.....check
waitress/hostess/line cook at more than one national chain of restaurants....check
administrative assistant...check and check
receptionist...check
overnight cleaning crew for allina clinics.....check
newspaper delivery person....check (it lasted one day, but check)
yogurt dispensar/cookie maker....check
daycare lady....check
cleaning lady (sure, it was my grandma, but i got paid!)....check
nanny....check
lunch lady....check
weekend maintenance person at notable local church.....check
retail clerk.....check
tv crew member.....check and check

you can see i've covered the gammet. (sp?) but today, being home, i came unglued. we're talking- don't want to eat, can't drink diet coke, can't peel myself off the couch, crying on the phone to nate -unglued.

because truth of the matter is, i don't like most of the jobs i've held. and most of the jobs don't make me like myself a whole lot either. i feel like most of the jobs have left me:
a. responsible for the problems i didn't create
b. lacking the credit of the successes i've helped my work achieve

and today. it all came crashing down in the form of a text message:

"i need to be able to count on you. i don't like that i have to work and you aren't here".

and that was the one statement that made me realize that i HATE being someone who isn't appreciated.

yes, yes..... i can hear the collective sigh. because as a mother/wife/daughter/employee, we've all gone through our own strugges with feeling unappreciated. i've been there too.

but today, it was too much.

and as my husband gently coddled me over the phone and assured me everything would be okay, and i shouldn't get myself so upset, and we will make whatever situation we are in work, and if i want to quit we will find a way to pay our bills, it made me realize the one truth to this whole day.

i have an amazing husband, who gave me amazing kids. and i wish that i had more time to be with them. which is why i just might consider having a few more.


....to be continued.....

amazing, amazing life

i just got home from omaha, where we celebrated the life of my great aunt dorothy. she passed away on valentine's day, a day created for this woman who loved so selflessly.

she was amazing.

a list of the things she's accomplished would not do her justice. if i let every person whose life she touched share one memory of her, we'd be here forever.

and her passing brought our family together, and erased miles and years between us. this weekend not only blessed her, and her family, but blessed me as well.

enjoy these pix of my gorgeous family. :)

what made my day

feeling kinda blue today. missing nate, and getting bugged that he RARELY remembers to call me when he is out of town. boooooo!

insomnia, of course, sets in when he leaves. so here i am at 230 in the morning, being sad, watching tv and drinking diet coke every night this week.

thought i could use some cheer. went back and read some of my xanga postings from 2004-2005, when i'd post 3-4 times a week. it made me smile. the person i was, 26 with 4 kids. awww, the memories. its funny when you have tangible evidence of the person you were, and you hardly recognize them.

i'll share with you, cuz i'm feeling generous.

Friday December 17, 2004
i am swimming in a sea of sugar cookies

each decorated with sprinkles and frosting galore

what a perfect day

:sigh:

(note to the wise: if you have cable tv, go to bed early, because the better movies come one later, thus perpetuating the theory that i need to stay up until 330 am watching a movie i've seen a thousand times

"i've got you for two months, bender, two months")

or maybe you'd like this one

Saturday February 12, 2005
well, i have a sad thing to admit

two entries ago, i said i was watching "the wedding date"
when in fact
i hadn't
i had planned to
twice
in one weekend
but both times didn't work out

but this time
i am telling the truth

friday night: late movie
saturday night: accidentally swimming at the del rio

(here's the shortened, but equally funny, version
the part of my mom will be voiced by me)
and keep in mind, i don't swim. so i offered to just stay in my clothes and supervise

mom: take the kids in the hot tub
me: i don't really want to, and it doesn't really look too safe
mom: i've done it before, and i already told delaney and chayse that you would
me: gee, thanks. why don't you bring them
mom: because i just want to float around on the lazy river, and blah blah blah ba bliggity blah blah.......
me: chayse, delaney, parker, beckett, carson...come with me
(scene cuts to walkway, where a still fully clothed leslie walks the kids over to the hot tub)
me: alright, everyone just dangle your feet in
chayse: but nana said........
me: just do it
beckett: aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh glug glug glug
(seems funny now, but at the time, watching your kid look up at you from the bottom of a hot tub is really frightening)
leslie: splash
(scene cut to tight shot of leslie pulling beckett above water, as parents IN THE FRIGGIN HOT TUB look on, stupidly)
beckett: wwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(cut to tight shot of beckett's face, eyes bulging and mouth agape, screaming)
leslie: you're okay beckett
(cut to wide of leslie holding beckett, including in the shot the two parents closest to him watching leslie)
stupid woman: are you okay? he really got a scare there!
equally stupid husband: yeah, it looks like you hadn't planned on swimming tonight.....heh heh.
(cut to tight shot of leslie's face, looking super pissed off)
leslie: yeah, you could say that. come on you guys, we're going back to the kiddy pool
(dissolve on shot of kids and drenched leslie walking away)



and scene


man, my life was WAY more exciting when my kids were little. :)

Question and Answer Period

Q: what do you do when your husband goes out of town?
A. watch a LOT of the office, and eat a LOT of grilled cheese and oreos.

Q. how many diet cokes would you say you drink in a day?
A. depends on the day. crappy day-8. good day-10 (haha, trick question. you thought it would be less, but in fact, its MORE!)

Q. what is with your OBSESSION with benihana?
A. idk. i guess when it comes to really overpriced food, theirs is the best. and double fried rice is the only way to go.

Q. why is it that you talk to your dogs and your sisters in weird voices (sounds like chinese baby-talk, according to nate)
A. if you were really paying attention, you would know that i also talk to my nephews that way, as well as my mom and dad on occasion, and i think its because i just like to see people smile. they always do.

Q. why do you make garbage piles everywhere, instead of throwing things in the actual trash?
A. because then, i feel like i've gotten more work done. "look at all this garbage on the desk. someone must have been getting a lot of work done today. oh! there's another pile on the coffee table. leslie must have brought her work down here too!"

Q. why are you always chewing gum?
A. because it helped me stop chewing on my hair.

Q. do you think nate will REALLY buy you a new cell phone for your birthday, because you not only need one, but really want a new one.
A. if he's smart, he will.

Q. which job do you like better, bath and body, or mrs. fields?
A. i like the fun and variety of work at mrs. fields, but i like that people are respectful to me at bath and body. and either way, i come out of work smelling good.

Q. which one of your kids is your favorite.
A. oooooh, a tricky one. madison is my favorite kid to go shopping with. she always tell me EXACTLY what she thinks, so i guess that might be a good thing. parker is my favorite kid to play board games with. he's a super sore loser, and a super happy winner. delaney is my favorite kid to joke around with. she's really funny, and she loves writing funny stories and jokes. beckett is my favorite kid to snuggle with. he'll lean into me, but not try to invade my space. anyone who knows me knows about my space issues.

Q. when did you know that you were going to marry nate?
A. the minute he showed up at my door for bridget rausch's wedding. we went together, he was my +1. he showed up, smiled at me, and as i looked into his eyes, i knew. we weren't even dating. 10 hours later, at the denny's (that's closed) off brooklyn blvd, he told me he knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. he was right.

Q. last question. thanks for your patience. what is the one word you could truly live without hearing even one more time.
A. epic. its the new "awesome" for this generation, and they say it ALLLLLLLLLL the time. look up the definition people. it doesn't mean what you are describing.

its weird

growing up at lwcc, you got used to being at church. well, not really being at church. LIVING at church. we'd attend both services on sunday morning, and head back sunday night, and then again on wednesday night. one or two of us would have ministry practice during the week, so between puppet team or P&W band, we'd be back another night or two. that's not even taking into account any special guest ministers, or special youth activites that we would attend on the weekends. did i mention that my mom worked there, so a lot of summer days were spent helping her out at church?

you get the gist.

so when we started leaving LWCC a few years back, it was weird to have weekends back. truth be told, i kinda liked not having to get up on sunday mornings, and pack everyone's sunday best into the van and head to church. or lose out on the opportunity to veg out on a saturday night. and suddenly, its been a few months since you've been there. and then, a year goes by.

and the weirdest thing happens, you start to miss it.

nate and i are creatures of two things
1. comfort
2. habit

which is why, as middle kids, we are perfectly matched.

so the last few weeks, when we started looking for a new church, we realized it had to be on saturday nites, because we hate waking up early. and it had to be close, because even BP was too far to drive from our house. and that REALLY limited down the choices.

so i' m excited to say that we are trying out a church this morning (i had to work last night, otherwise we would have gone then) to a new church in Elk River that looks pretty cool. its young, and small, and nothing like anything we've seen in a while. and we're pretty excited about that. we won't be anyone's "hey, your so-and-so's brother/mom/sister/daughter/son". yeah, we get that we're not social people, but you saying that you think we're craig, or that you've never met me but heard all about me, doesn't make me want to stay and chat with you any longer.

i'm excited. to first days, and new beginnings.

today is a good day.....

...... i decorated my first cookie cake all by myself. no help with the lettering. :)

...... i finally used the last check in the register with our apartment address on it. its like we've FINALLY moved on, and this is our forever home. no more little reminders every time i pay a bill. :)

..... parker and delaney have finally turned the corner with the colds they've been miserable with.

.... nate and i have found a new B&B we plan on visiting, a HUGE success considering that we went to the BEST one on our 1 year anniversary, and they closed down shortly after. can't wait to have some extra $$ so we can book a weekend. feels like the romance is starting already.

..... its bunco nite: enough said.


its been a great day. :)