Love, Loss and other Life Lessons

its been a hard few months.

my sister, my baby sister, had two days of such incredible loss that it stopped me in my tracks. i am a person with words. words on paper, words in life......little word bubbles pop up over me in my sleep. but words here, failed me. not once, but twice.

and its so unthinkable, and tragic, and undeserved. because the person who deserves more happiness than anyone should is a person whose walked a million miles through deserts of struggle and tragedy to get there. and the oasis that she found, was the love of her life, who she knew would be her every heart's desire since they were 11.

and i can't figure out what to say.

those tiny hands and feet and smiles and promises you put into their hearts the moment you know they are inside you, there's still time for more of those. don't say your goodbyes just yet.

good days are ahead.

way ahead.

but they aren't today.

waking up to the words, "your grandfather has just passed away".

its a little unsettling.

he sat in bed at 2 am, as i sat in bed at 2 am.

he couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep.

he stared at the wall, wondering and wishing.

i stared out the window, wondering and wishing.

he asked for a snack: pickled fish. as he ate, his nurse brought him some juice. finishing the glass, he asked for another. she left the room to get it, and came back to him...gone.

he'd drifted off, asleep, and then into eternity.

he was probably smiling, because his snack was so enjoyable, as compared to the hospital food. he was probably wondering if his son would bring him some more on monday night. he was probably thinking of his wife, who would have loved to share a dish with him too.

and then he thought, "why don't i go tell her all about it".

and he left.

when you think that two weeks ago you put your other grandmother to rest, watching her husband grieve over the loss of a love that lasted lifetimes. true love, first love, forever love. and you count yourself lucky to have been witness to that love: 5 daughters, 18 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren.

and when you think of a man, whose last evening was spent with his son, my dad, joking and laughing. and the last thing he wanted before entering heaven's gates is to eat some pickled fish, it makes you smile.

and when you think of that woman who lies awake at night next to the man of her dreams, wondering if she'll ever hold their own little baby in her arms, you send a million prayers and wishes to God, knowing that they will soon come true.

but today,

just today,

you wonder when it will get easier again.

here's to loving, and losing, and never taking a single day for granted again.

the man i love

while reading a fave blogger's entry about her husband, and how incredibly proud and in love with him she is, it occurs to me how much i adore and appreciate my husband nate.

i tell him all the time. every day, multiple times a day.

but sometimes, its good to see those words in print. to set wings to the words and let them be free to touch people outside my four walls.

so i'll start as she did, and then do my best to do my man justice

:eh-hem:

"there are many things you don't know about my husband, but there aren't too many that I don't know."

i know that he has more strength and love than any man I've ever met. i can thank his momma for that. she raised him right, and showed him that men don't have to choose between being strong and being kind.

i know that he too, cannot, sleep without checking on all the kids, even our fourteen year old. and he can't sleep unless he's checked every door, because i don't sleep well unless he does.

i know that learning quickly and being naturally gifted at EVERYTHING he touches is his gift. i used to resent him for it, but now i appreciate his ability to do all things well, and right the first time. :)

i know that he holds his tongue more than anyone i know. not just around me, but others too. he doesn't hold it because he's a coward, but because he's learned that saying nothing speaks volumes, more so that a rambling fool.

i know he hurts sometimes, and he doesn't trust himself to open up. so its up to me to help him find the words.

i know he's sacrificed a world of opportunities to make my dreams a reality, from day one.

i know the minute i fell in love with him. sitting next to him at a high school friend's wedding, i wondered why it had taken me so long to see this man sitting next to me. four hours later, in a run-down denny's, he told me he loved me, and knew we'd be together forever.

he's handsome and funny, and if you're lucky enough to hear him laugh, you can't help but be caught up in it too.

he snores.

he hates reading. a lot. to the degree that i ADORE reading, he hates it.

he is an amazing dad, with more wisdom than i'll ever have. when days were the darkest, and with one foot out the door, i knew he was the reason our kids would be okay, and felt okay with leaving. but he asked me to stay, and then he had the amazing ability to teach me to parent the way he does, so i could be around to see all their happy days.

he likes clutter.

he was born to be a teacher. i hope someday, he is able to work in a classroom, because all kids adore and respect him, and he has a way of connecting to them.

he says yes to me even when he should say no to me, and i know it.

he smiles in his sleep, but never remembers his dreams.

he and i laugh about how long it took us to find the road that started our journey together. there were so many missed opportunities, but i see now that we weren't ready to be "us" yet.

i never knew how to be loved, and how to love, until i fell in love with nate. i didn't know that i could be someone's everything. and i didn't know how to fully love someone until i saw how effortlessly he loved me and "m", and how he made us a family.

it's a wonderful life, when you get to share it with the one you love.

Question and Answer Period

Q: what do you do when your husband goes out of town?
A. watch a LOT of the office, and eat a LOT of grilled cheese and oreos.

Q. how many diet cokes would you say you drink in a day?
A. depends on the day. crappy day-8. good day-10 (haha, trick question. you thought it would be less, but in fact, its MORE!)

Q. what is with your OBSESSION with benihana?
A. idk. i guess when it comes to really overpriced food, theirs is the best. and double fried rice is the only way to go.

Q. why is it that you talk to your dogs and your sisters in weird voices (sounds like chinese baby-talk, according to nate)
A. if you were really paying attention, you would know that i also talk to my nephews that way, as well as my mom and dad on occasion, and i think its because i just like to see people smile. they always do.

Q. why do you make garbage piles everywhere, instead of throwing things in the actual trash?
A. because then, i feel like i've gotten more work done. "look at all this garbage on the desk. someone must have been getting a lot of work done today. oh! there's another pile on the coffee table. leslie must have brought her work down here too!"

Q. why are you always chewing gum?
A. because it helped me stop chewing on my hair.

Q. do you think nate will REALLY buy you a new cell phone for your birthday, because you not only need one, but really want a new one.
A. if he's smart, he will.

Q. which job do you like better, bath and body, or mrs. fields?
A. i like the fun and variety of work at mrs. fields, but i like that people are respectful to me at bath and body. and either way, i come out of work smelling good.

Q. which one of your kids is your favorite.
A. oooooh, a tricky one. madison is my favorite kid to go shopping with. she always tell me EXACTLY what she thinks, so i guess that might be a good thing. parker is my favorite kid to play board games with. he's a super sore loser, and a super happy winner. delaney is my favorite kid to joke around with. she's really funny, and she loves writing funny stories and jokes. beckett is my favorite kid to snuggle with. he'll lean into me, but not try to invade my space. anyone who knows me knows about my space issues.

Q. when did you know that you were going to marry nate?
A. the minute he showed up at my door for bridget rausch's wedding. we went together, he was my +1. he showed up, smiled at me, and as i looked into his eyes, i knew. we weren't even dating. 10 hours later, at the denny's (that's closed) off brooklyn blvd, he told me he knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. he was right.

Q. last question. thanks for your patience. what is the one word you could truly live without hearing even one more time.
A. epic. its the new "awesome" for this generation, and they say it ALLLLLLLLLL the time. look up the definition people. it doesn't mean what you are describing.