i am contemplating having more kids....

......because i would just really rather stay home. maybe i'm romanticizing it. maybe i foggily remember what it was like being a stay at home mom. (nate assures me i do). maybe its just because i've worked every crappy part time job you can imagine since the day i turned fifteen and my dad convinced me that "everyone works".

here are a list of my accomplishments:

overnite gas station attendant....check
mcdonald's cashier and cook.....check
waitress/hostess/line cook at more than one national chain of restaurants....check
administrative assistant...check and check
receptionist...check
overnight cleaning crew for allina clinics.....check
newspaper delivery person....check (it lasted one day, but check)
yogurt dispensar/cookie maker....check
daycare lady....check
cleaning lady (sure, it was my grandma, but i got paid!)....check
nanny....check
lunch lady....check
weekend maintenance person at notable local church.....check
retail clerk.....check
tv crew member.....check and check

you can see i've covered the gammet. (sp?) but today, being home, i came unglued. we're talking- don't want to eat, can't drink diet coke, can't peel myself off the couch, crying on the phone to nate -unglued.

because truth of the matter is, i don't like most of the jobs i've held. and most of the jobs don't make me like myself a whole lot either. i feel like most of the jobs have left me:
a. responsible for the problems i didn't create
b. lacking the credit of the successes i've helped my work achieve

and today. it all came crashing down in the form of a text message:

"i need to be able to count on you. i don't like that i have to work and you aren't here".

and that was the one statement that made me realize that i HATE being someone who isn't appreciated.

yes, yes..... i can hear the collective sigh. because as a mother/wife/daughter/employee, we've all gone through our own strugges with feeling unappreciated. i've been there too.

but today, it was too much.

and as my husband gently coddled me over the phone and assured me everything would be okay, and i shouldn't get myself so upset, and we will make whatever situation we are in work, and if i want to quit we will find a way to pay our bills, it made me realize the one truth to this whole day.

i have an amazing husband, who gave me amazing kids. and i wish that i had more time to be with them. which is why i just might consider having a few more.


....to be continued.....

its a budget, people!

well here's my attempt at a second "riveting" post. nate and i were paying the mortgage ( i love it!) today, and looking at our upcoming bills for the month. its interesting, looking at how things have changed since we moved in. for instance: diet coke, although a staple in my book, goes unreplenished if my grocery money has already been spent. and the bills, well, in the apartment, it was cell phone, cable, and electric (all totaling less than $200 a month).

now, its garbage, water, electric, heat, cable (extra awesome cable with a dvr!), home phone, and insurance. and i am looking at all these bills, and like most people, trying to figure out a way to cut them back a bit. i could lose the dvr and super+ cable, but its my one luxury item in life. did i just say that? then our cell phones, i could cut back to less than 200 txts a month, but i would end up paying more just because my sisters and i are addicted to txting a few times a day, so its cheaper just to keep the plan.

groceries. yep, 6 people, four of them being starving children. haha. nope, that ain't it.

then it occurred to me today that i enjoy watching my super+ cable (on our 50 inch plasma) when i come home from work at 230ish. and then i watch when my shows are on around 7, until 9 or so. then we clean up, load the dishwasher, and get in bed around 11. then i watch tv (on my 13 inch) for an hour or so more, and then set my sleep timer on the tv for 90 minutes so i can fall asleep to it (melissa knows what i am talking about!) overall, i figure that i watch tv or have the tv on for 6 hours a day, on a productive day. on my days off, its not unusual for me to keep the tv on while i watch old 90210 reruns while cleaning up or running laundry, so add a few hours more. i know, its disgusting, but bear with me here.

so while i am pondering all this over while paying bills, nate mentions to me that with winter approaching, our gas bill will only get higher as we heat the house (its on no setting right now, since the house stays perfect without heat or cool). this gets me thinking: i wonder how much my constant tv watching affects our electric bill? so i get a great idea to challenge myself (and hopefully, my budget):

for the next month, i will no longer be watching tv during daytime hours, and will limit my tv watching time to 7-9 pm. that means, no more 90210, no more late night "seinfeld" or "will and grace" reruns while i fall asleep. and if its not a tv night where one of my "shows" is on, the tv won't get turned on. overall, i think i will, cut our electric bill by a quarter (or maybe a third!). right now, our electric bill is about $121.00 a month. this a good chance for me to change my very worst behavior (mindless tv watching), and maybe improve my budget a bit. i think it will be great.....i hope! thoughts???