i used to believe in new year's resolutions, keeping them, quitting them, and trying over and over again to start and finish them.
before i married an eyeore like nate.
he doesn't believe in resolutions, on january 1st or any other day. "its just one more thing you're going to quit" he says.
oh bother.
and he's kinda made me stop believing in them too.
he says, "if you want to change, change! don't make a list, and don't wait until this huge day with all this pressure to be different...or better....or worse...or whatever."
so a few days late, because of my baby boy's birthday (who isn't such a baby anymore, now that he's 9...."the same age as Anakin Skywalker in episode one"-what a momentous year for him) a few non-resolutions, just things about me that will change. things i love, and things i would love to love more.
hmmmm, where to start.
i think, for me, i'll need to stop sighing, and growling, and doing the big "mom" noises i do when i am irritated. my kids do them, and they sound awful. i set that example for them, so i need to undo it.
i need to forgive faster, and more often. and remember that other people deserve the same grace that my husband, heavenly father, parents and sisters, and children grant me every day.
i need to hug more. i don't hug. at all. only nate. i need to hug my kids more, because i was a kid who hated being hugged, but now i wish i would have gotten more of them. they need it, and some days, i need it too.
i need to use self control. around oreos, and diet coke, and things with frosting.
i need to unplug. unplug from the tv, unplug from work, and unplug from my constant dialog in my head. and start connecting in the moment.
i need to reach out to friends more. ones i've let slip through the cracks. i've celebrated my own weddings and babies and big days and moments, and now my friends are getting to do those things too, only i'm telling myself i'm too busy to pick up the phone. or a pen. they need to know that i'll cheer on their successes the way they did mine.
i need to have a friendship with my mom and dad. they don't need to parent me, and i need to learn how to listen.
one more, and then i'm done.
i need to spend more time listening to my heart, and what makes me happy. i'm driven by the elves of "time lost, wasted, things not done, people not happy, to-do lists looming" that chatter in my ear all day long. i need to do the things that make me happy, even if its not always convenient. i need to put myself on my "to-do" list, right at the top.
so there's a start.
i'll keep you posted.
for now, celebrate today, and every day, like its the first step of something great.
here's a secret:
it is!
Showing posts with label nate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nate. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
hmmmmmmm, it seems like a good sign
say goodbye to the old
and in with the new
while :gasp!: furniture shopping last night with an all-too chipper hubby, we realized that it has been 7 years since we moved out of our first "drowning in debt" Lombardy house. Seven years! beckett was 2, and we bought a roll-off dumpster, and threw away most of our lives because
1. it was trashed, and wasn't worth anything
2. we were beginning to be a little hoarder-ish, so most of it was just stuff
3. we didn't know where we were moving to, so we didn't think we had room for all that crap.
so with our four kids, one van, one car, a billion boxes of stuff, one queen sized bed and nightstand and armoire, and one FABOOSH green chair, and $1500 in our pocket to show for our loss of a house, we were off. we bought double bunk beds, a new couch, a free kitchen table and chairs (thanks to my dad!) and moved into the saddest place ever: low income housing.
but we didn't see it that way.
because to us, after selling our house in a short sale 2 weeks before the sheriff's sale, with shame in our hearts and kids to hang on to, we got the one thing we truly needed:
a fresh perspective, and a brand new start.
and it did start there. nate set up our (tiny) bedroom with a computer desk, and introduced me to quicken, and showed me how to budget, and balance a checkbook, and have money left over every month. it wasn't a lot, but it was the first step. and as each creditor got their fair share (oh discover card, we still hate you!) and the phone calls became less and less, we got a sense of what normal must feel like.
normal must feel like happiness, when you realize your pay check isn't gone the minute you get it.
normal must feel like wisdom, when you realize you just don't purchase the item you're craving, rather than take on extra jobs to cover your bounced check fees from all your impulse purchases. (true story!)
normal must feel like a breath of fresh air, as you breathe in sanity every night, knowing you'll sleep. instead of staring at the wall while you feel your world crumble around you. you lay there, making yourself stay in bed, because you know if one foot hits the floor, the other one will follow and you'll run out on this life forever.
we still made mistakes. lots of them. and we still get a little spendy, but we have a good balance now, and the perspective to see where we can get to.
so fast forward 7 years. the kids are at home, and we are at ashley furniture buying a new bed frame. even though every part of me wants a new mattress and bedding and to redecorate everything, i'm thankful for the new bed nate is buying me. i loooooooove it. and when we sign the papers and walk out the door, i say to nate "this is one of three things we have left from our life in lombardy. our bed, our armoire, and our faboosh green chair". and we are speechless for a minute, because that seems like a lifetime ago.
and usually, i have trouble letting go. i don't like change, at all. anyone who knows me knows how paralyzed i get by change.
but this bed, and the journey that took me to my barbie dream house, and all those sleepless nights i spent in it, i'm just a little happy to let go.
goodbye, old bed. hello, new life.
and in with the new
while :gasp!: furniture shopping last night with an all-too chipper hubby, we realized that it has been 7 years since we moved out of our first "drowning in debt" Lombardy house. Seven years! beckett was 2, and we bought a roll-off dumpster, and threw away most of our lives because
1. it was trashed, and wasn't worth anything
2. we were beginning to be a little hoarder-ish, so most of it was just stuff
3. we didn't know where we were moving to, so we didn't think we had room for all that crap.
so with our four kids, one van, one car, a billion boxes of stuff, one queen sized bed and nightstand and armoire, and one FABOOSH green chair, and $1500 in our pocket to show for our loss of a house, we were off. we bought double bunk beds, a new couch, a free kitchen table and chairs (thanks to my dad!) and moved into the saddest place ever: low income housing.
but we didn't see it that way.
because to us, after selling our house in a short sale 2 weeks before the sheriff's sale, with shame in our hearts and kids to hang on to, we got the one thing we truly needed:
a fresh perspective, and a brand new start.
and it did start there. nate set up our (tiny) bedroom with a computer desk, and introduced me to quicken, and showed me how to budget, and balance a checkbook, and have money left over every month. it wasn't a lot, but it was the first step. and as each creditor got their fair share (oh discover card, we still hate you!) and the phone calls became less and less, we got a sense of what normal must feel like.
normal must feel like happiness, when you realize your pay check isn't gone the minute you get it.
normal must feel like wisdom, when you realize you just don't purchase the item you're craving, rather than take on extra jobs to cover your bounced check fees from all your impulse purchases. (true story!)
normal must feel like a breath of fresh air, as you breathe in sanity every night, knowing you'll sleep. instead of staring at the wall while you feel your world crumble around you. you lay there, making yourself stay in bed, because you know if one foot hits the floor, the other one will follow and you'll run out on this life forever.
we still made mistakes. lots of them. and we still get a little spendy, but we have a good balance now, and the perspective to see where we can get to.
so fast forward 7 years. the kids are at home, and we are at ashley furniture buying a new bed frame. even though every part of me wants a new mattress and bedding and to redecorate everything, i'm thankful for the new bed nate is buying me. i loooooooove it. and when we sign the papers and walk out the door, i say to nate "this is one of three things we have left from our life in lombardy. our bed, our armoire, and our faboosh green chair". and we are speechless for a minute, because that seems like a lifetime ago.
and usually, i have trouble letting go. i don't like change, at all. anyone who knows me knows how paralyzed i get by change.
but this bed, and the journey that took me to my barbie dream house, and all those sleepless nights i spent in it, i'm just a little happy to let go.
goodbye, old bed. hello, new life.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
i'm crabby
i love rainy days
i hate it when nate won't answer his phone
grrrrrrrrrr
so instead of running to target and taking out my anger on baked goods
(yes! i will eat you, and you will hate me, but i don't care! i am crabby!)
i am checking out new blogs
and just when i thought i had seen it all
i read this
"the party"
and it made me laugh
out loud
you should read it too.
it will turn your day from crabby to happy
and save all the baked goods at your local target store
i hate it when nate won't answer his phone
grrrrrrrrrr
so instead of running to target and taking out my anger on baked goods
(yes! i will eat you, and you will hate me, but i don't care! i am crabby!)
i am checking out new blogs
and just when i thought i had seen it all
i read this
"the party"
and it made me laugh
out loud
you should read it too.
it will turn your day from crabby to happy
and save all the baked goods at your local target store
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
the man i love
while reading a fave blogger's entry about her husband, and how incredibly proud and in love with him she is, it occurs to me how much i adore and appreciate my husband nate.
i tell him all the time. every day, multiple times a day.
but sometimes, its good to see those words in print. to set wings to the words and let them be free to touch people outside my four walls.
so i'll start as she did, and then do my best to do my man justice
:eh-hem:
"there are many things you don't know about my husband, but there aren't too many that I don't know."
i know that he has more strength and love than any man I've ever met. i can thank his momma for that. she raised him right, and showed him that men don't have to choose between being strong and being kind.
i know that he too, cannot, sleep without checking on all the kids, even our fourteen year old. and he can't sleep unless he's checked every door, because i don't sleep well unless he does.
i know that learning quickly and being naturally gifted at EVERYTHING he touches is his gift. i used to resent him for it, but now i appreciate his ability to do all things well, and right the first time. :)
i know that he holds his tongue more than anyone i know. not just around me, but others too. he doesn't hold it because he's a coward, but because he's learned that saying nothing speaks volumes, more so that a rambling fool.
i know he hurts sometimes, and he doesn't trust himself to open up. so its up to me to help him find the words.
i know he's sacrificed a world of opportunities to make my dreams a reality, from day one.
i know the minute i fell in love with him. sitting next to him at a high school friend's wedding, i wondered why it had taken me so long to see this man sitting next to me. four hours later, in a run-down denny's, he told me he loved me, and knew we'd be together forever.
he's handsome and funny, and if you're lucky enough to hear him laugh, you can't help but be caught up in it too.
he snores.
he hates reading. a lot. to the degree that i ADORE reading, he hates it.
he is an amazing dad, with more wisdom than i'll ever have. when days were the darkest, and with one foot out the door, i knew he was the reason our kids would be okay, and felt okay with leaving. but he asked me to stay, and then he had the amazing ability to teach me to parent the way he does, so i could be around to see all their happy days.
he likes clutter.
he was born to be a teacher. i hope someday, he is able to work in a classroom, because all kids adore and respect him, and he has a way of connecting to them.
he says yes to me even when he should say no to me, and i know it.
he smiles in his sleep, but never remembers his dreams.
he and i laugh about how long it took us to find the road that started our journey together. there were so many missed opportunities, but i see now that we weren't ready to be "us" yet.
i never knew how to be loved, and how to love, until i fell in love with nate. i didn't know that i could be someone's everything. and i didn't know how to fully love someone until i saw how effortlessly he loved me and "m", and how he made us a family.
it's a wonderful life, when you get to share it with the one you love.
i tell him all the time. every day, multiple times a day.
but sometimes, its good to see those words in print. to set wings to the words and let them be free to touch people outside my four walls.
so i'll start as she did, and then do my best to do my man justice
:eh-hem:
"there are many things you don't know about my husband, but there aren't too many that I don't know."
i know that he has more strength and love than any man I've ever met. i can thank his momma for that. she raised him right, and showed him that men don't have to choose between being strong and being kind.
i know that he too, cannot, sleep without checking on all the kids, even our fourteen year old. and he can't sleep unless he's checked every door, because i don't sleep well unless he does.
i know that learning quickly and being naturally gifted at EVERYTHING he touches is his gift. i used to resent him for it, but now i appreciate his ability to do all things well, and right the first time. :)
i know that he holds his tongue more than anyone i know. not just around me, but others too. he doesn't hold it because he's a coward, but because he's learned that saying nothing speaks volumes, more so that a rambling fool.
i know he hurts sometimes, and he doesn't trust himself to open up. so its up to me to help him find the words.
i know he's sacrificed a world of opportunities to make my dreams a reality, from day one.
i know the minute i fell in love with him. sitting next to him at a high school friend's wedding, i wondered why it had taken me so long to see this man sitting next to me. four hours later, in a run-down denny's, he told me he loved me, and knew we'd be together forever.
he's handsome and funny, and if you're lucky enough to hear him laugh, you can't help but be caught up in it too.
he snores.
he hates reading. a lot. to the degree that i ADORE reading, he hates it.
he is an amazing dad, with more wisdom than i'll ever have. when days were the darkest, and with one foot out the door, i knew he was the reason our kids would be okay, and felt okay with leaving. but he asked me to stay, and then he had the amazing ability to teach me to parent the way he does, so i could be around to see all their happy days.
he likes clutter.
he was born to be a teacher. i hope someday, he is able to work in a classroom, because all kids adore and respect him, and he has a way of connecting to them.
he says yes to me even when he should say no to me, and i know it.
he smiles in his sleep, but never remembers his dreams.
he and i laugh about how long it took us to find the road that started our journey together. there were so many missed opportunities, but i see now that we weren't ready to be "us" yet.
i never knew how to be loved, and how to love, until i fell in love with nate. i didn't know that i could be someone's everything. and i didn't know how to fully love someone until i saw how effortlessly he loved me and "m", and how he made us a family.
it's a wonderful life, when you get to share it with the one you love.
Monday, August 23, 2010
what's new with you?
who knew that four little words, asked by my friend "j", could shake me up.
"what's new with you"
welllllllllllllllllllll
let me rattle off six things about the kids, sports and friends and vacations and hobbies. then let's add nate's soon-coming promotion, and his trip to wisconsin and colorado. now add great news of my job reductions (a good thing), which has freed up some time for me.
but none of that is actually about me.
which made me really sad.
it tells me that not only am i INCREDIBLY boring, but i have failed to promote myself to the role of "valued player" in this family. i've managed everyone else's schedule and added on to their list of interests, but have neglected my own.
i have even :gasp: lost the motivation to read at night.
how sad!
yesterday, laying on the bed with nate, talking about this and that, i noticed that he (laying on his stomach with his feet up in the air behind him) couldn't get his feet anywhere near his head. so i pushed his feet, then his head, and tried to get them to touch. nope. wasn't happenening.
so then i tried to show him how i "used" to do it.
nope, that wasn't happening either.
so then i showed him how in gymastics, our coaches would get us more limber to be able to touch our feet to our head. stand about a foot from the wall, back to the wall, then arch your head back until your hands touch the wall. walk your hands down the wall, until your hands get to the floor.
i did it, kind of. not to the floor, but about 2 feet from it. not bad for a 33 year old counter jockey. haha
granted, while i did it, i slipped once and left a wet slide mark down the wall, because i guess i leave my mouth open when i do it. and then another time, my ponytail holder got caught on the light switch. good times
and then after i finished my acrobatic humiliation, it occurred to me that i did something right then that i hadn't done in i don't know how long.
no, not exercised, but thank you for that.
no, not embarrassed myself, that happens FAR too often.
at that moment, i did something just because i wanted to, because i enjoyed it. it took 2 minutes, and i did it. it wasn't about the kids, or nate. its something i did because i could, and because i wanted to.
so whats stopping me from doing this every day.
a goal: to have "something new" to tell people when they ask.
God knows i deserve a little fun. i guess it's time i start making some of my own.
"what's new with you"
welllllllllllllllllllll
let me rattle off six things about the kids, sports and friends and vacations and hobbies. then let's add nate's soon-coming promotion, and his trip to wisconsin and colorado. now add great news of my job reductions (a good thing), which has freed up some time for me.
but none of that is actually about me.
which made me really sad.
it tells me that not only am i INCREDIBLY boring, but i have failed to promote myself to the role of "valued player" in this family. i've managed everyone else's schedule and added on to their list of interests, but have neglected my own.
i have even :gasp: lost the motivation to read at night.
how sad!
yesterday, laying on the bed with nate, talking about this and that, i noticed that he (laying on his stomach with his feet up in the air behind him) couldn't get his feet anywhere near his head. so i pushed his feet, then his head, and tried to get them to touch. nope. wasn't happenening.
so then i tried to show him how i "used" to do it.
nope, that wasn't happening either.
so then i showed him how in gymastics, our coaches would get us more limber to be able to touch our feet to our head. stand about a foot from the wall, back to the wall, then arch your head back until your hands touch the wall. walk your hands down the wall, until your hands get to the floor.
i did it, kind of. not to the floor, but about 2 feet from it. not bad for a 33 year old counter jockey. haha
granted, while i did it, i slipped once and left a wet slide mark down the wall, because i guess i leave my mouth open when i do it. and then another time, my ponytail holder got caught on the light switch. good times
and then after i finished my acrobatic humiliation, it occurred to me that i did something right then that i hadn't done in i don't know how long.
no, not exercised, but thank you for that.
no, not embarrassed myself, that happens FAR too often.
at that moment, i did something just because i wanted to, because i enjoyed it. it took 2 minutes, and i did it. it wasn't about the kids, or nate. its something i did because i could, and because i wanted to.
so whats stopping me from doing this every day.
a goal: to have "something new" to tell people when they ask.
God knows i deserve a little fun. i guess it's time i start making some of my own.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
how many burgers does it take to feed a motorcycle gang?
what did you do today?
i cleaned my house, and then fed 14 guys from a motorcycle shoot nate did this morning. the group included hard-core riders from the Black Sheep, to weekend riders like nate's dad. they came down our street, roaring on their choppers, and came into the house like a cloud of black leather. all smiles and hellos though, these guys were one of a kind. nate showed up after they did, but was happy to find that the kids had done a good job being good hosts while i manned the grill. everyone enjoyed jalepeno jack and bacon cheddar burgers from bob's produce, and everyone left full! nate was happy, and so was i.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)