Love, Loss and other Life Lessons

its been a hard few months.

my sister, my baby sister, had two days of such incredible loss that it stopped me in my tracks. i am a person with words. words on paper, words in life......little word bubbles pop up over me in my sleep. but words here, failed me. not once, but twice.

and its so unthinkable, and tragic, and undeserved. because the person who deserves more happiness than anyone should is a person whose walked a million miles through deserts of struggle and tragedy to get there. and the oasis that she found, was the love of her life, who she knew would be her every heart's desire since they were 11.

and i can't figure out what to say.

those tiny hands and feet and smiles and promises you put into their hearts the moment you know they are inside you, there's still time for more of those. don't say your goodbyes just yet.

good days are ahead.

way ahead.

but they aren't today.

waking up to the words, "your grandfather has just passed away".

its a little unsettling.

he sat in bed at 2 am, as i sat in bed at 2 am.

he couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep.

he stared at the wall, wondering and wishing.

i stared out the window, wondering and wishing.

he asked for a snack: pickled fish. as he ate, his nurse brought him some juice. finishing the glass, he asked for another. she left the room to get it, and came back to him...gone.

he'd drifted off, asleep, and then into eternity.

he was probably smiling, because his snack was so enjoyable, as compared to the hospital food. he was probably wondering if his son would bring him some more on monday night. he was probably thinking of his wife, who would have loved to share a dish with him too.

and then he thought, "why don't i go tell her all about it".

and he left.

when you think that two weeks ago you put your other grandmother to rest, watching her husband grieve over the loss of a love that lasted lifetimes. true love, first love, forever love. and you count yourself lucky to have been witness to that love: 5 daughters, 18 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren.

and when you think of a man, whose last evening was spent with his son, my dad, joking and laughing. and the last thing he wanted before entering heaven's gates is to eat some pickled fish, it makes you smile.

and when you think of that woman who lies awake at night next to the man of her dreams, wondering if she'll ever hold their own little baby in her arms, you send a million prayers and wishes to God, knowing that they will soon come true.

but today,

just today,

you wonder when it will get easier again.

here's to loving, and losing, and never taking a single day for granted again.