Love, Loss and other Life Lessons

its been a hard few months.

my sister, my baby sister, had two days of such incredible loss that it stopped me in my tracks. i am a person with words. words on paper, words in life......little word bubbles pop up over me in my sleep. but words here, failed me. not once, but twice.

and its so unthinkable, and tragic, and undeserved. because the person who deserves more happiness than anyone should is a person whose walked a million miles through deserts of struggle and tragedy to get there. and the oasis that she found, was the love of her life, who she knew would be her every heart's desire since they were 11.

and i can't figure out what to say.

those tiny hands and feet and smiles and promises you put into their hearts the moment you know they are inside you, there's still time for more of those. don't say your goodbyes just yet.

good days are ahead.

way ahead.

but they aren't today.

waking up to the words, "your grandfather has just passed away".

its a little unsettling.

he sat in bed at 2 am, as i sat in bed at 2 am.

he couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep.

he stared at the wall, wondering and wishing.

i stared out the window, wondering and wishing.

he asked for a snack: pickled fish. as he ate, his nurse brought him some juice. finishing the glass, he asked for another. she left the room to get it, and came back to him...gone.

he'd drifted off, asleep, and then into eternity.

he was probably smiling, because his snack was so enjoyable, as compared to the hospital food. he was probably wondering if his son would bring him some more on monday night. he was probably thinking of his wife, who would have loved to share a dish with him too.

and then he thought, "why don't i go tell her all about it".

and he left.

when you think that two weeks ago you put your other grandmother to rest, watching her husband grieve over the loss of a love that lasted lifetimes. true love, first love, forever love. and you count yourself lucky to have been witness to that love: 5 daughters, 18 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren.

and when you think of a man, whose last evening was spent with his son, my dad, joking and laughing. and the last thing he wanted before entering heaven's gates is to eat some pickled fish, it makes you smile.

and when you think of that woman who lies awake at night next to the man of her dreams, wondering if she'll ever hold their own little baby in her arms, you send a million prayers and wishes to God, knowing that they will soon come true.

but today,

just today,

you wonder when it will get easier again.

here's to loving, and losing, and never taking a single day for granted again.

Great Grabbie monday

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love this

















and this







and REALLY love the one at the top! i actually have it in a necklace. words to live by!

hmmmmmmm

i used to believe in new year's resolutions, keeping them, quitting them, and trying over and over again to start and finish them.

before i married an eyeore like nate.

he doesn't believe in resolutions, on january 1st or any other day. "its just one more thing you're going to quit" he says.

oh bother.

and he's kinda made me stop believing in them too.

he says, "if you want to change, change! don't make a list, and don't wait until this huge day with all this pressure to be different...or better....or worse...or whatever."

so a few days late, because of my baby boy's birthday (who isn't such a baby anymore, now that he's 9...."the same age as Anakin Skywalker in episode one"-what a momentous year for him) a few non-resolutions, just things about me that will change. things i love, and things i would love to love more.

hmmmm, where to start.

i think, for me, i'll need to stop sighing, and growling, and doing the big "mom" noises i do when i am irritated. my kids do them, and they sound awful. i set that example for them, so i need to undo it.

i need to forgive faster, and more often. and remember that other people deserve the same grace that my husband, heavenly father, parents and sisters, and children grant me every day.

i need to hug more. i don't hug. at all. only nate. i need to hug my kids more, because i was a kid who hated being hugged, but now i wish i would have gotten more of them. they need it, and some days, i need it too.

i need to use self control. around oreos, and diet coke, and things with frosting.

i need to unplug. unplug from the tv, unplug from work, and unplug from my constant dialog in my head. and start connecting in the moment.

i need to reach out to friends more. ones i've let slip through the cracks. i've celebrated my own weddings and babies and big days and moments, and now my friends are getting to do those things too, only i'm telling myself i'm too busy to pick up the phone. or a pen. they need to know that i'll cheer on their successes the way they did mine.

i need to have a friendship with my mom and dad. they don't need to parent me, and i need to learn how to listen.

one more, and then i'm done.

i need to spend more time listening to my heart, and what makes me happy. i'm driven by the elves of "time lost, wasted, things not done, people not happy, to-do lists looming" that chatter in my ear all day long. i need to do the things that make me happy, even if its not always convenient. i need to put myself on my "to-do" list, right at the top.

so there's a start.

i'll keep you posted.

for now, celebrate today, and every day, like its the first step of something great.

here's a secret:

it is!