two birthdays down, two to go

well my baby boy parker turns 12 today. and my daughter (and favorite oldest child) madison turned 14 on sunday.

amazing.

its amazing how everything people told you about life passing you by so quickly will catch up with you while you are making pickle wraps in the kitchen, and your husband stands baffled while you cry. rolling those pickles in cream cheese, you look into the living room at your four children rocking out to weezer, dancing like they hadn't fought all morning long, but like they were the best friends you always wanted your kids to be. and how 5 minutes earlier, your husband came up behind you and snuggled your neck and kissed you, and told you how much he loved you. (like the movies, seriously, it was. it gave me goose bumps). fast forward to the center island 5 minutes later, tears rolling down your cheeks, and all you can do is smile through them.

i think about the mom i was when i was 19. the day i had madison, how overwhelmed i was, because in truth, i knew i wasn't ready to be a mom. all the visitors left me flustered, and all i could do was feel uncomfortable in my own skin, because i didn't recognize this little monkey that someone had legally entrusted me with. but i knew i had lots of help, and i was going to need it. friends like mo, sisters like kelly to teach me, and a baby sis like melissa to come home from TX and help me feel 19 again. a mom and dad, divorcing, who set it all aside and helped me be me, in the mom form. and for a great grandma, like mom mom, who let me sleep some sanity in, did all the bathing and cooking and cleaning, and let me slowly dip my foot into the pool of motherhood. you would think with all that training and help, i'd be ready two years and two days later for parker, but boy, i wasn't!

that fall day, two days after madison's 2nd birthday party, when this little man was born. i remember how safe i felt, knowing that i had a husband to share that birthing room with. how all the 9 interns and 1 doctor and 2 nurses made the room feel crowded, but the room was silent when nate whispered in my ear "you can do this, babe!" his sweet little faced, bruised and dented from all the force the doctors used on him smiled back at me, and i loved his little nose, which looked just like his dad.i felt i must have given nate the best gift, because while i watched him look at parker while holding madison on his lap, i knew we were a perfect family. i had him to rely on, and madison to help the transition go smoothly (she has no idea, to this day, how much of a help she was to me!). it was hard, being home, and feeling alone. there were dark days, and even darker moments, but when i stop to think of all the moments that were best, i think i can say i did a pretty good job. watching madison and parker form bonds i'd never understand (being that i came from all girls) i was happy to have a boy, even if i didn't (and still don't!) understand what makes them tick. he is perfect, and sweet. and i adore him more every day.

so happy giving-birth day to me, and happy 12th birthday to parker. the first piece in the olson puzzle that made us a family. i am so blessed. so very very blessed.

i've turned off the disconnect button

i've been feeling a little lost lately

not at my job(s), which i love
not with my kids, whom i adore

but with my man.











yep, this guy

and its sad, because EVERYONE warns you. "make sure you find time to connect. make sure you take time for each other. make sure that you don't put your kids first".

we have always been the "quality time when we can get it" people, and its been enough to make the magic happen most days.

but when you're looking down the throat of 12 years of marriage, the magic moments tend to be a little....hmmmm... less sparkly than you'd like sometimes.

take this fall. football. student council. switching jobs, twice. vehicle stress. changing buildings. business trips. the whole shabang. it makes for some exhausting weeknights.

and the short tempers
and the quick to fight back response
and the "who in the h*ll do you think you are, not putting me first or remembering my needs or helping with the chores, or making me feel loved, or even remembering to kiss me goodnight" repsonse.

yeah, it kinda got that far.

and somewhere in the thick of it we had one of those arguments, where you say things you can never take back, and things happen that change the shape of your marriage. and at that moment, you can see it all slipping away.

it was the most stomach wrenching, fearful moment of my life.

and we're climbing back from it. but still, there's a gap between us. there's my end of the couch, and your end of the couch. my schedule, your schedule. my plans, your plans. and it starts to be okay. because you get more done when you don't have to plan around someone else.

only that someone else is the center of your world, and you really start to feel alone in a 3000 square foot home.

so i stopped. and i remembered what brought us together in the first place.

friendship, and laughter. no love. just those two things.

so i stopped with the kissing, and stopped with the "making quality time" or anything else.

and i made time to laugh with him, at us, and at the kids, and at anything else that was funny.
and we made time to be friends. "sure, i'll watch you put your motorcycle back together for 2 hours" and "you can sit and watch 'teen mom' with me again, and talk about how sad we are for the girls in this next generation".

so maybe the tv wasn't turned off, so we could "connect". but we found the friendship, and sometime in the fast few weeks, those first kiss..first everything flutters have started to come back.

and baby, i think i'm in love.