...i've been thinking about change. things i don't like about myself, or things that frustrate me, and how i can change them. nate doesn't believe in new years resolutions, whereas i am a HUGE fan of making a list with 5 goals, and trying to change them all. sadly, by week's end, or month's end, i've fallen off the horse, and i usually quit altogether.
i've had this bad habit since i was 13 or so. and every year, i swear i'm going to quit, and every year i fail. i even made a goal to quit before i'm 30, and then i failed. then i made a goal to atleast tell people, which would help keep me accountable for quittting, and i failed that too. its frustrating, because the pressure of doing/not doing it for so many years has seeped into other areas of my life, and kept me from doing a lot of other things. like being happy, and finding peace. and those are 2 VERY big things. and here's the thing about people with secrets, something most people don't think about: most people already know you do it, they just are waiting for you to tell them in your own time, rather than have to "bust you" on it. so i should be smart enough to know that people have figured it out, but instead, i hide it. and me.
thats the saddest thing to read in type.
i hate being called "the center of attention", because i'm not. i'm the person hiding inside the shell of the person in the center of the room, laughing with all my friends. and i wish i could change that.
its not just that one thing i'd like to change, but a number of things, in case you deem this post too serious. here's my list, of 7 little things, i'm sharing with you this saturday morning:
1. i'd like to drink less diet coke. i'm addicted. its sad. but i LOVE it. and thats sad too.
2. i'd like to watch less tv. i've been a tv nut since i was little. its weird.
3. i'd like to be a better listener. sometimes, i just check out.
4. i'd like to WANT to clean my house every week, and not just do it because i should.
5. i'd like to eat healthier, and be more active. not "thin", just in better shape.
6. i'd like to be better about going to church. we don't go at all, since we left LWCC
7. i'd like to stop losing my temper so much, and be a better wife and mom.
putting this all in words, in type, online, for people to read doesn't hold me more accountable to the things i want to change, but it helps me get it out. and i guess, thats enough change for me today.