Saturday, November 7, 2009


...i've been thinking about change. things i don't like about myself, or things that frustrate me, and how i can change them. nate doesn't believe in new years resolutions, whereas i am a HUGE fan of making a list with 5 goals, and trying to change them all. sadly, by week's end, or month's end, i've fallen off the horse, and i usually quit altogether.

i've had this bad habit since i was 13 or so. and every year, i swear i'm going to quit, and every year i fail. i even made a goal to quit before i'm 30, and then i failed. then i made a goal to atleast tell people, which would help keep me accountable for quittting, and i failed that too. its frustrating, because the pressure of doing/not doing it for so many years has seeped into other areas of my life, and kept me from doing a lot of other things. like being happy, and finding peace. and those are 2 VERY big things. and here's the thing about people with secrets, something most people don't think about: most people already know you do it, they just are waiting for you to tell them in your own time, rather than have to "bust you" on it. so i should be smart enough to know that people have figured it out, but instead, i hide it. and me.

thats the saddest thing to read in type.

i hate being called "the center of attention", because i'm not. i'm the person hiding inside the shell of the person in the center of the room, laughing with all my friends. and i wish i could change that.

its not just that one thing i'd like to change, but a number of things, in case you deem this post too serious. here's my list, of 7 little things, i'm sharing with you this saturday morning:

1. i'd like to drink less diet coke. i'm addicted. its sad. but i LOVE it. and thats sad too.
2. i'd like to watch less tv. i've been a tv nut since i was little. its weird.
3. i'd like to be a better listener. sometimes, i just check out.
4. i'd like to WANT to clean my house every week, and not just do it because i should.
5. i'd like to eat healthier, and be more active. not "thin", just in better shape.
6. i'd like to be better about going to church. we don't go at all, since we left LWCC
7. i'd like to stop losing my temper so much, and be a better wife and mom.

putting this all in words, in type, online, for people to read doesn't hold me more accountable to the things i want to change, but it helps me get it out. and i guess, thats enough change for me today.


malmquist said...

Love this post - thanks for being so transparent and honest with your feelings. It really makes me think about alot of things you are saying that are very true.

You are an amazing writer and should do it more.

mommak said...

YOU CAN DO IT!! Always here to support you and love you and drink Diet Coke together! :)

Jen said...

Leslie! I love you. You are a friend I know I can always pick-up with where we left off. That is priceless. I'm in a very humbling time myself. With John gone so much, and in school-it is almost painful how even the simplest things are a strain. Like the dishes. And, I'm the one who pushed for us to move back to the cities-guess I need to watch what I ask for!!!

We all have sides to ourselves that are not good. I'm finding freedom in the fact that God's Grace is an every-day-mundane kind of grace... He really does shine through us and excuse our ugliness-I've seen it through the simple privilege of a heart-to-heart with a friend, or the smile on Lauren's face-I think we all just need to slow down-way down.

I read something recently that said, "focus on strengthening your strong points, don't worry about your weaknesses." So simple, but so profound if you really think about it!

Lately I also find joy in knowing that my story isn't finished yet. I won't always be thousands in debt and have a family that is one minute away from absolute chaos due to the fact that we never see other - not really, anyway.

Everyone is simply looking for an honest, sincere person - and I know I found that in you :)


Gwen said...

You don't have to give up you diet dokes, they are okay as long as they DON'T control you!!!!!
Yes, Miss L you are a great writer, and the American dream --- hmmm --- many never acknowledge these 'challenges' until they are old and DIE!!!!
You've made me think too!!!! I'm forever grateful for those days-- great memories! Except the slamming down of that briefcase - it's a sound one cannot forget.
My advise -- just make EVERYDAY count - those 'tenting' experiences in the backyard - hmmm, no child will forget that, not EVER!!!! Love you & proud of you -- Mama G