Tuesday, April 20, 2010

i am contemplating having more kids....

......because i would just really rather stay home. maybe i'm romanticizing it. maybe i foggily remember what it was like being a stay at home mom. (nate assures me i do). maybe its just because i've worked every crappy part time job you can imagine since the day i turned fifteen and my dad convinced me that "everyone works".

here are a list of my accomplishments:

overnite gas station attendant....check
mcdonald's cashier and cook.....check
waitress/hostess/line cook at more than one national chain of restaurants....check
administrative assistant...check and check
overnight cleaning crew for allina clinics.....check
newspaper delivery person....check (it lasted one day, but check)
yogurt dispensar/cookie maker....check
daycare lady....check
cleaning lady (sure, it was my grandma, but i got paid!)....check
lunch lady....check
weekend maintenance person at notable local church.....check
retail clerk.....check
tv crew member.....check and check

you can see i've covered the gammet. (sp?) but today, being home, i came unglued. we're talking- don't want to eat, can't drink diet coke, can't peel myself off the couch, crying on the phone to nate -unglued.

because truth of the matter is, i don't like most of the jobs i've held. and most of the jobs don't make me like myself a whole lot either. i feel like most of the jobs have left me:
a. responsible for the problems i didn't create
b. lacking the credit of the successes i've helped my work achieve

and today. it all came crashing down in the form of a text message:

"i need to be able to count on you. i don't like that i have to work and you aren't here".

and that was the one statement that made me realize that i HATE being someone who isn't appreciated.

yes, yes..... i can hear the collective sigh. because as a mother/wife/daughter/employee, we've all gone through our own strugges with feeling unappreciated. i've been there too.

but today, it was too much.

and as my husband gently coddled me over the phone and assured me everything would be okay, and i shouldn't get myself so upset, and we will make whatever situation we are in work, and if i want to quit we will find a way to pay our bills, it made me realize the one truth to this whole day.

i have an amazing husband, who gave me amazing kids. and i wish that i had more time to be with them. which is why i just might consider having a few more.

....to be continued.....