A Dream That I Can Call My Own

Love, Loss and other Life Lessons

2011-03-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

its been a hard few months.

my sister, my baby sister, had two days of such incredible loss that it stopped me in my tracks. i am a person with words. words on paper, words in life......little word bubbles pop up over me in my sleep. but words here, failed me. not once, but twice.

and its so unthinkable, and tragic, and undeserved. because the person who deserves more happiness than anyone should is a person whose walked a million miles through deserts of struggle and tragedy to get there. and the oasis that she found, was the love of her life, who she knew would be her every heart's desire since they were 11.

and i can't figure out what to say.

those tiny hands and feet and smiles and promises you put into their hearts the moment you know they are inside you, there's still time for more of those. don't say your goodbyes just yet.

good days are ahead.

way ahead.

but they aren't today.

waking up to the words, "your grandfather has just passed away".

its a little unsettling.

he sat in bed at 2 am, as i sat in bed at 2 am.

he couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep.

he stared at the wall, wondering and wishing.

i stared out the window, wondering and wishing.

he asked for a snack: pickled fish. as he ate, his nurse brought him some juice. finishing the glass, he asked for another. she left the room to get it, and came back to him...gone.

he'd drifted off, asleep, and then into eternity.

he was probably smiling, because his snack was so enjoyable, as compared to the hospital food. he was probably wondering if his son would bring him some more on monday night. he was probably thinking of his wife, who would have loved to share a dish with him too.

and then he thought, "why don't i go tell her all about it".

and he left.

when you think that two weeks ago you put your other grandmother to rest, watching her husband grieve over the loss of a love that lasted lifetimes. true love, first love, forever love. and you count yourself lucky to have been witness to that love: 5 daughters, 18 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren.

and when you think of a man, whose last evening was spent with his son, my dad, joking and laughing. and the last thing he wanted before entering heaven's gates is to eat some pickled fish, it makes you smile.

and when you think of that woman who lies awake at night next to the man of her dreams, wondering if she'll ever hold their own little baby in her arms, you send a million prayers and wishes to God, knowing that they will soon come true.

but today,

just today,

you wonder when it will get easier again.

here's to loving, and losing, and never taking a single day for granted again.

Great Grabbie monday

2011-01-24T14:30:00.001-08:00

want to enter to win some fabulous etsy bucks at a beautiful shop?

yeah, me too!

So go to this blog, and follow the directions, and you could win one of these fabulous signs, or a great custom made order of your own!

love this

and this

and REALLY love the one at the top! i actually have it in a necklace. words to live by!

hmmmmmmm

2011-01-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

i used to believe in new year's resolutions, keeping them, quitting them, and trying over and over again to start and finish them.

before i married an eyeore like nate.

he doesn't believe in resolutions, on january 1st or any other day. "its just one more thing you're going to quit" he says.

oh bother.

and he's kinda made me stop believing in them too.

he says, "if you want to change, change! don't make a list, and don't wait until this huge day with all this pressure to be different...or better....or worse...or whatever."

so a few days late, because of my baby boy's birthday (who isn't such a baby anymore, now that he's 9...."the same age as Anakin Skywalker in episode one"-what a momentous year for him) a few non-resolutions, just things about me that will change. things i love, and things i would love to love more.

hmmmm, where to start.

i think, for me, i'll need to stop sighing, and growling, and doing the big "mom" noises i do when i am irritated. my kids do them, and they sound awful. i set that example for them, so i need to undo it.

i need to forgive faster, and more often. and remember that other people deserve the same grace that my husband, heavenly father, parents and sisters, and children grant me every day.

i need to hug more. i don't hug. at all. only nate. i need to hug my kids more, because i was a kid who hated being hugged, but now i wish i would have gotten more of them. they need it, and some days, i need it too.

i need to use self control. around oreos, and diet coke, and things with frosting.

i need to unplug. unplug from the tv, unplug from work, and unplug from my constant dialog in my head. and start connecting in the moment.

i need to reach out to friends more. ones i've let slip through the cracks. i've celebrated my own weddings and babies and big days and moments, and now my friends are getting to do those things too, only i'm telling myself i'm too busy to pick up the phone. or a pen. they need to know that i'll cheer on their successes the way they did mine.

i need to have a friendship with my mom and dad. they don't need to parent me, and i need to learn how to listen.

one more, and then i'm done.

i need to spend more time listening to my heart, and what makes me happy. i'm driven by the elves of "time lost, wasted, things not done, people not happy, to-do lists looming" that chatter in my ear all day long. i need to do the things that make me happy, even if its not always convenient. i need to put myself on my "to-do" list, right at the top.

so there's a start.

i'll keep you posted.

for now, celebrate today, and every day, like its the first step of something great.

here's a secret:

it is!

hmmmmmmm, it seems like a good sign

2010-11-02T10:16:00.001-07:00

say goodbye to the old
and in with the new

while :gasp!: furniture shopping last night with an all-too chipper hubby, we realized that it has been 7 years since we moved out of our first "drowning in debt" Lombardy house. Seven years! beckett was 2, and we bought a roll-off dumpster, and threw away most of our lives because
1. it was trashed, and wasn't worth anything
2. we were beginning to be a little hoarder-ish, so most of it was just stuff
3. we didn't know where we were moving to, so we didn't think we had room for all that crap.

so with our four kids, one van, one car, a billion boxes of stuff, one queen sized bed and nightstand and armoire, and one FABOOSH green chair, and $1500 in our pocket to show for our loss of a house, we were off. we bought double bunk beds, a new couch, a free kitchen table and chairs (thanks to my dad!) and moved into the saddest place ever: low income housing.

but we didn't see it that way.

because to us, after selling our house in a short sale 2 weeks before the sheriff's sale, with shame in our hearts and kids to hang on to, we got the one thing we truly needed:

a fresh perspective, and a brand new start.

and it did start there. nate set up our (tiny) bedroom with a computer desk, and introduced me to quicken, and showed me how to budget, and balance a checkbook, and have money left over every month. it wasn't a lot, but it was the first step. and as each creditor got their fair share (oh discover card, we still hate you!) and the phone calls became less and less, we got a sense of what normal must feel like.

normal must feel like happiness, when you realize your pay check isn't gone the minute you get it.

normal must feel like wisdom, when you realize you just don't purchase the item you're craving, rather than take on extra jobs to cover your bounced check fees from all your impulse purchases. (true story!)

normal must feel like a breath of fresh air, as you breathe in sanity every night, knowing you'll sleep. instead of staring at the wall while you feel your world crumble around you. you lay there, making yourself stay in bed, because you know if one foot hits the floor, the other one will follow and you'll run out on this life forever.

we still made mistakes. lots of them. and we still get a little spendy, but we have a good balance now, and the perspective to see where we can get to.

so fast forward 7 years. the kids are at home, and we are at ashley furniture buying a new bed frame. even though every part of me wants a new mattress and bedding and to redecorate everything, i'm thankful for the new bed nate is buying me. i loooooooove it. and when we sign the papers and walk out the door, i say to nate "this is one of three things we have left from our life in lombardy. our bed, our armoire, and our faboosh green chair". and we are speechless for a minute, because that seems like a lifetime ago.

and usually, i have trouble letting go. i don't like change, at all. anyone who knows me knows how paralyzed i get by change.

but this bed, and the journey that took me to my barbie dream house, and all those sleepless nights i spent in it, i'm just a little happy to let go.

goodbye, old bed. hello, new life.

two birthdays down, two to go

2010-10-26T08:05:00.001-07:00

well my baby boy parker turns 12 today. and my daughter (and favorite oldest child) madison turned 14 on sunday.

amazing.

its amazing how everything people told you about life passing you by so quickly will catch up with you while you are making pickle wraps in the kitchen, and your husband stands baffled while you cry. rolling those pickles in cream cheese, you look into the living room at your four children rocking out to weezer, dancing like they hadn't fought all morning long, but like they were the best friends you always wanted your kids to be. and how 5 minutes earlier, your husband came up behind you and snuggled your neck and kissed you, and told you how much he loved you. (like the movies, seriously, it was. it gave me goose bumps). fast forward to the center island 5 minutes later, tears rolling down your cheeks, and all you can do is smile through them.

i think about the mom i was when i was 19. the day i had madison, how overwhelmed i was, because in truth, i knew i wasn't ready to be a mom. all the visitors left me flustered, and all i could do was feel uncomfortable in my own skin, because i didn't recognize this little monkey that someone had legally entrusted me with. but i knew i had lots of help, and i was going to need it. friends like mo, sisters like kelly to teach me, and a baby sis like melissa to come home from TX and help me feel 19 again. a mom and dad, divorcing, who set it all aside and helped me be me, in the mom form. and for a great grandma, like mom mom, who let me sleep some sanity in, did all the bathing and cooking and cleaning, and let me slowly dip my foot into the pool of motherhood. you would think with all that training and help, i'd be ready two years and two days later for parker, but boy, i wasn't!

that fall day, two days after madison's 2nd birthday party, when this little man was born. i remember how safe i felt, knowing that i had a husband to share that birthing room with. how all the 9 interns and 1 doctor and 2 nurses made the room feel crowded, but the room was silent when nate whispered in my ear "you can do this, babe!" his sweet little faced, bruised and dented from all the force the doctors used on him smiled back at me, and i loved his little nose, which looked just like his dad.i felt i must have given nate the best gift, because while i watched him look at parker while holding madison on his lap, i knew we were a perfect family. i had him to rely on, and madison to help the transition go smoothly (she has no idea, to this day, how much of a help she was to me!). it was hard, being home, and feeling alone. there were dark days, and even darker moments, but when i stop to think of all the moments that were best, i think i can say i did a pretty good job. watching madison and parker form bonds i'd never understand (being that i came from all girls) i was happy to have a boy, even if i didn't (and still don't!) understand what makes them tick. he is perfect, and sweet. and i adore him more every day.

so happy giving-birth day to me, and happy 12th birthday to parker. the first piece in the olson puzzle that made us a family. i am so blessed. so very very blessed.

i've turned off the disconnect button

2010-10-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling a little lost lately

not at my job(s), which i love
not with my kids, whom i adore

but with my man.

yep, this guy

and its sad, because EVERYONE warns you. "make sure you find time to connect. make sure you take time for each other. make sure that you don't put your kids first".

we have always been the "quality time when we can get it" people, and its been enough to make the magic happen most days.

but when you're looking down the throat of 12 years of marriage, the magic moments tend to be a little....hmmmm... less sparkly than you'd like sometimes.

take this fall. football. student council. switching jobs, twice. vehicle stress. changing buildings. business trips. the whole shabang. it makes for some exhausting weeknights.

and the short tempers
and the quick to fight back response
and the "who in the h*ll do you think you are, not putting me first or remembering my needs or helping with the chores, or making me feel loved, or even remembering to kiss me goodnight" repsonse.

yeah, it kinda got that far.

and somewhere in the thick of it we had one of those arguments, where you say things you can never take back, and things happen that change the shape of your marriage. and at that moment, you can see it all slipping away.

it was the most stomach wrenching, fearful moment of my life.

and we're climbing back from it. but still, there's a gap between us. there's my end of the couch, and your end of the couch. my schedule, your schedule. my plans, your plans. and it starts to be okay. because you get more done when you don't have to plan around someone else.

only that someone else is the center of your world, and you really start to feel alone in a 3000 square foot home.

so i stopped. and i remembered what brought us together in the first place.

friendship, and laughter. no love. just those two things.

so i stopped with the kissing, and stopped with the "making quality time" or anything else.

and i made time to laugh with him, at us, and at the kids, and at anything else that was funny.
and we made time to be friends. "sure, i'll watch you put your motorcycle back together for 2 hours" and "you can sit and watch 'teen mom' with me again, and talk about how sad we are for the girls in this next generation".

so maybe the tv wasn't turned off, so we could "connect". but we found the friendship, and sometime in the fast few weeks, those first kiss..first everything flutters have started to come back.

and baby, i think i'm in love.

i'm crabby

2010-09-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

i love rainy days
i hate it when nate won't answer his phone

grrrrrrrrrr

so instead of running to target and taking out my anger on baked goods
(yes! i will eat you, and you will hate me, but i don't care! i am crabby!)
i am checking out new blogs

and just when i thought i had seen it all

i read this

"the party"

and it made me laugh
out loud

you should read it too.

it will turn your day from crabby to happy
and save all the baked goods at your local target store

the man i love

2010-09-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

while reading a fave blogger's entry about her husband, and how incredibly proud and in love with him she is, it occurs to me how much i adore and appreciate my husband nate.

i tell him all the time. every day, multiple times a day.

but sometimes, its good to see those words in print. to set wings to the words and let them be free to touch people outside my four walls.

so i'll start as she did, and then do my best to do my man justice

:eh-hem:

"there are many things you don't know about my husband, but there aren't too many that I don't know."

i know that he has more strength and love than any man I've ever met. i can thank his momma for that. she raised him right, and showed him that men don't have to choose between being strong and being kind.

i know that he too, cannot, sleep without checking on all the kids, even our fourteen year old. and he can't sleep unless he's checked every door, because i don't sleep well unless he does.

i know that learning quickly and being naturally gifted at EVERYTHING he touches is his gift. i used to resent him for it, but now i appreciate his ability to do all things well, and right the first time. :)

i know that he holds his tongue more than anyone i know. not just around me, but others too. he doesn't hold it because he's a coward, but because he's learned that saying nothing speaks volumes, more so that a rambling fool.

i know he hurts sometimes, and he doesn't trust himself to open up. so its up to me to help him find the words.

i know he's sacrificed a world of opportunities to make my dreams a reality, from day one.

i know the minute i fell in love with him. sitting next to him at a high school friend's wedding, i wondered why it had taken me so long to see this man sitting next to me. four hours later, in a run-down denny's, he told me he loved me, and knew we'd be together forever.

he's handsome and funny, and if you're lucky enough to hear him laugh, you can't help but be caught up in it too.

he snores.

he hates reading. a lot. to the degree that i ADORE reading, he hates it.

he is an amazing dad, with more wisdom than i'll ever have. when days were the darkest, and with one foot out the door, i knew he was the reason our kids would be okay, and felt okay with leaving. but he asked me to stay, and then he had the amazing ability to teach me to parent the way he does, so i could be around to see all their happy days.

he likes clutter.

he was born to be a teacher. i hope someday, he is able to work in a classroom, because all kids adore and respect him, and he has a way of connecting to them.

he says yes to me even when he should say no to me, and i know it.

he smiles in his sleep, but never remembers his dreams.

he and i laugh about how long it took us to find the road that started our journey together. there were so many missed opportunities, but i see now that we weren't ready to be "us" yet.

i never knew how to be loved, and how to love, until i fell in love with nate. i didn't know that i could be someone's everything. and i didn't know how to fully love someone until i saw how effortlessly he loved me and "m", and how he made us a family.

it's a wonderful life, when you get to share it with the one you love.

the end of this and the beginning of that

2010-08-30T07:37:00.001-07:00

the last day of fifth service
:sigh:
kylee and sara and christian shopping for cakes
diet coke
and magazines (a fifth service must!)

surprising me
blessing me
making me feel like i'd be truly missed

yummy cake (think dairy queen without the ice cream)
smiles and laughs
awkward photos
check check check

things i will miss:
gossip with kylie and dayna
starbucks runs
kuh-stang
slow claps
"i like me some fifth service"
old friends like scott and kyrstin and david
new friends like sara and christian
giving paul rides home
candy gorging in the control room
and lots and lots
and lots
and lots of laughs

thanks fifth

what's new with you?

2010-08-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

who knew that four little words, asked by my friend "j", could shake me up.

"what's new with you"

welllllllllllllllllllll

let me rattle off six things about the kids, sports and friends and vacations and hobbies. then let's add nate's soon-coming promotion, and his trip to wisconsin and colorado. now add great news of my job reductions (a good thing), which has freed up some time for me.

but none of that is actually about me.

which made me really sad.

it tells me that not only am i INCREDIBLY boring, but i have failed to promote myself to the role of "valued player" in this family. i've managed everyone else's schedule and added on to their list of interests, but have neglected my own.

i have even :gasp: lost the motivation to read at night.

how sad!

yesterday, laying on the bed with nate, talking about this and that, i noticed that he (laying on his stomach with his feet up in the air behind him) couldn't get his feet anywhere near his head. so i pushed his feet, then his head, and tried to get them to touch. nope. wasn't happenening.

so then i tried to show him how i "used" to do it.

nope, that wasn't happening either.

so then i showed him how in gymastics, our coaches would get us more limber to be able to touch our feet to our head. stand about a foot from the wall, back to the wall, then arch your head back until your hands touch the wall. walk your hands down the wall, until your hands get to the floor.

i did it, kind of. not to the floor, but about 2 feet from it. not bad for a 33 year old counter jockey. haha

granted, while i did it, i slipped once and left a wet slide mark down the wall, because i guess i leave my mouth open when i do it. and then another time, my ponytail holder got caught on the light switch. good times

and then after i finished my acrobatic humiliation, it occurred to me that i did something right then that i hadn't done in i don't know how long.

no, not exercised, but thank you for that.

no, not embarrassed myself, that happens FAR too often.

at that moment, i did something just because i wanted to, because i enjoyed it. it took 2 minutes, and i did it. it wasn't about the kids, or nate. its something i did because i could, and because i wanted to.

so whats stopping me from doing this every day.

a goal: to have "something new" to tell people when they ask.

God knows i deserve a little fun. i guess it's time i start making some of my own.

i'm stalling

2010-08-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

right now i'm supposed to be cleaning
running to the grocery store
washing bedding
cleaning up the kitchen
or showering

instead, i'm fiddling with my blog
hmmmm, i don't like change much
but i like it so far

i'm listening to the dogs scratch in their kennels
nobody told them i need 10 more minutes of silence

the kids are still sleeping
and the only noise in the house i hear is the
AC whirring through the vent
and the soothing "click click click" of the keyboard...

.....one of my favorite sounds

guests are coming
and i have to work this afternoon

i should be busy
but i'm not

just a few more minutes of silence
and then its off to the races

in need of some inspiration???

2010-07-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

check this BEAUTIFUL home out, and the artwork is too too divine. :)

here's a clue:

you can register to win "said artwork" too.

i'm already envisioning a room remodel in the colors of the print.

now which one to start with.

happy thursday! :)

what a productive day

2010-06-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

it all started out so good, I just might get my hopes up....

woke up when nate did @ 730 (a first), and lay in an empty bathtib while he shaved and brushed and groomed himself ready for work. Who knew 10 minutes could be so enjoyable?

cleaned out desk....

....got all tax papers filed in fire-safe box, and moved pay stubs into folder for 2010 taxes...

.....clean out out purse while sitting at swim lessons, then cleaned out phone contacts and then email contacts i never use (goodbye friends from MCA who said they'd call. u never did. you've been erased. haha.......

.....made pack list for vacation...

.......made to do list for this week and next....

.........paid a speeding ticket that was$145 (not $75 like i thought). OUCH!.........

...... started packing for kalahari! woot! got all the non-clothing items packed for ourselves and the dogs....

......arranged for the boys' haircuts!

.........and its only 315!

now if i only knew what we were having for lunch

i'm a night reader

2010-05-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

not a night ranger, though the two can be easily confused. haha

(and i love that i always put haha in text, even though i am actually laughing out loud)

anyways

i'm a night reader. i rarely read during the day, unless its in my van waiting somewhere. or at work during down time. its like i have to read while already busy to justify it. but i LOVE to read in bed. i've done it since i was 8. my parents had a rule. (okay, they had a LOT of rules, but this one applies here): "lights out at bedtime, no exceptions"

and i was the kids with the nerves of a jumpy housecat and a WILD imagination to plague me with awful awful, "shouldn't be kid thoughts", all night long. and my dad had no tolerance for crying, or me coming to see them in the parent's room. so at the age of 8, i learned how to fake sleep when my dad came to check on me. i knew, like clockwork, at 10 he'd watch the news, at 10:30, it was cheers, and then he was off to bed. lie still, but breathe deep, because that's how sleeping people deep. oh, don't even try to fake closing your eyes, just face the wall. he'd close my door, their door would close, and the house would get silent.

count to 30. then plug in my christmas lights around my window (wicked hee hee inserted here) and ruin my eyes for the next 20 years squinting at the book in the rainbow dim of april christmas lights. my books were my companions in those dark, quiet nights. i read until i fell asleep, there on the floor, or in my bed if i'd gotten new batteries for my flashlight. the book spine pressed up against my face, i read until i was exhausted.

and it wasn't enough to have one book. if i had one, i'd better have the next one in the series, or another book to follow it up. because chances were i would finish that book, and if i didn't have another one to read, i'd have to lay there in the quiet. :gasp:

so imagine my frustration, at the age of 33, when at 3:20 in the morning this morning, while reading a delicious Francine Rivers book my big sis loaned me, my dismay to find out that it's not a novel, but a 2 part series.

yeah, i was bugged.

and awake.

at 3:20am.

fortunately, unlike my dad, i don't have a lights out rule, so i just lay there with my lights on, and drew pics on nate's back with my finger until i fell asleep.

some things never change, but it's amazing the way other things do.

i am contemplating having more kids....

2010-04-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

......because i would just really rather stay home. maybe i'm romanticizing it. maybe i foggily remember what it was like being a stay at home mom. (nate assures me i do). maybe its just because i've worked every crappy part time job you can imagine since the day i turned fifteen and my dad convinced me that "everyone works".

here are a list of my accomplishments:

overnite gas station attendant....check
mcdonald's cashier and cook.....check
waitress/hostess/line cook at more than one national chain of restaurants....check
administrative assistant...check and check
receptionist...check
overnight cleaning crew for allina clinics.....check
newspaper delivery person....check (it lasted one day, but check)
yogurt dispensar/cookie maker....check
daycare lady....check
cleaning lady (sure, it was my grandma, but i got paid!)....check
nanny....check
lunch lady....check
weekend maintenance person at notable local church.....check
retail clerk.....check
tv crew member.....check and check

you can see i've covered the gammet. (sp?) but today, being home, i came unglued. we're talking- don't want to eat, can't drink diet coke, can't peel myself off the couch, crying on the phone to nate -unglued.

because truth of the matter is, i don't like most of the jobs i've held. and most of the jobs don't make me like myself a whole lot either. i feel like most of the jobs have left me:
a. responsible for the problems i didn't create
b. lacking the credit of the successes i've helped my work achieve

and today. it all came crashing down in the form of a text message:

"i need to be able to count on you. i don't like that i have to work and you aren't here".

and that was the one statement that made me realize that i HATE being someone who isn't appreciated.

yes, yes..... i can hear the collective sigh. because as a mother/wife/daughter/employee, we've all gone through our own strugges with feeling unappreciated. i've been there too.

but today, it was too much.

and as my husband gently coddled me over the phone and assured me everything would be okay, and i shouldn't get myself so upset, and we will make whatever situation we are in work, and if i want to quit we will find a way to pay our bills, it made me realize the one truth to this whole day.

i have an amazing husband, who gave me amazing kids. and i wish that i had more time to be with them. which is why i just might consider having a few more.

....to be continued.....

amazing, amazing life

2010-02-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

i just got home from omaha, where we celebrated the life of my great aunt dorothy. she passed away on valentine's day, a day created for this woman who loved so selflessly.

she was amazing.

a list of the things she's accomplished would not do her justice. if i let every person whose life she touched share one memory of her, we'd be here forever.

and her passing brought our family together, and erased miles and years between us. this weekend not only blessed her, and her family, but blessed me as well.

enjoy these pix of my gorgeous family. :)

what made my day

2010-02-04T00:29:00.000-08:00

feeling kinda blue today. missing nate, and getting bugged that he RARELY remembers to call me when he is out of town. boooooo!

insomnia, of course, sets in when he leaves. so here i am at 230 in the morning, being sad, watching tv and drinking diet coke every night this week.

thought i could use some cheer. went back and read some of my xanga postings from 2004-2005, when i'd post 3-4 times a week. it made me smile. the person i was, 26 with 4 kids. awww, the memories. its funny when you have tangible evidence of the person you were, and you hardly recognize them.

i'll share with you, cuz i'm feeling generous.

Friday December 17, 2004
i am swimming in a sea of sugar cookies

each decorated with sprinkles and frosting galore

what a perfect day

:sigh:

(note to the wise: if you have cable tv, go to bed early, because the better movies come one later, thus perpetuating the theory that i need to stay up until 330 am watching a movie i've seen a thousand times

"i've got you for two months, bender, two months")

or maybe you'd like this one

Saturday February 12, 2005
well, i have a sad thing to admit

two entries ago, i said i was watching "the wedding date"
when in fact
i hadn't
i had planned to
twice
in one weekend
but both times didn't work out

but this time
i am telling the truth

friday night: late movie
saturday night: accidentally swimming at the del rio

(here's the shortened, but equally funny, version
the part of my mom will be voiced by me)
and keep in mind, i don't swim. so i offered to just stay in my clothes and supervise

mom: take the kids in the hot tub
me: i don't really want to, and it doesn't really look too safe
mom: i've done it before, and i already told delaney and chayse that you would
me: gee, thanks. why don't you bring them
mom: because i just want to float around on the lazy river, and blah blah blah ba bliggity blah blah.......
me: chayse, delaney, parker, beckett, carson...come with me
(scene cuts to walkway, where a still fully clothed leslie walks the kids over to the hot tub)
me: alright, everyone just dangle your feet in
chayse: but nana said........
me: just do it
beckett: aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh glug glug glug
(seems funny now, but at the time, watching your kid look up at you from the bottom of a hot tub is really frightening)
leslie: splash
(scene cut to tight shot of leslie pulling beckett above water, as parents IN THE FRIGGIN HOT TUB look on, stupidly)
beckett: wwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(cut to tight shot of beckett's face, eyes bulging and mouth agape, screaming)
leslie: you're okay beckett
(cut to wide of leslie holding beckett, including in the shot the two parents closest to him watching leslie)
stupid woman: are you okay? he really got a scare there!
equally stupid husband: yeah, it looks like you hadn't planned on swimming tonight.....heh heh.
(cut to tight shot of leslie's face, looking super pissed off)
leslie: yeah, you could say that. come on you guys, we're going back to the kiddy pool
(dissolve on shot of kids and drenched leslie walking away)

and scene

man, my life was WAY more exciting when my kids were little. :)

Question and Answer Period

2010-01-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

Q: what do you do when your husband goes out of town?
A. watch a LOT of the office, and eat a LOT of grilled cheese and oreos.

Q. how many diet cokes would you say you drink in a day?
A. depends on the day. crappy day-8. good day-10 (haha, trick question. you thought it would be less, but in fact, its MORE!)

Q. what is with your OBSESSION with benihana?
A. idk. i guess when it comes to really overpriced food, theirs is the best. and double fried rice is the only way to go.

Q. why is it that you talk to your dogs and your sisters in weird voices (sounds like chinese baby-talk, according to nate)
A. if you were really paying attention, you would know that i also talk to my nephews that way, as well as my mom and dad on occasion, and i think its because i just like to see people smile. they always do.

Q. why do you make garbage piles everywhere, instead of throwing things in the actual trash?
A. because then, i feel like i've gotten more work done. "look at all this garbage on the desk. someone must have been getting a lot of work done today. oh! there's another pile on the coffee table. leslie must have brought her work down here too!"

Q. why are you always chewing gum?
A. because it helped me stop chewing on my hair.

Q. do you think nate will REALLY buy you a new cell phone for your birthday, because you not only need one, but really want a new one.
A. if he's smart, he will.

Q. which job do you like better, bath and body, or mrs. fields?
A. i like the fun and variety of work at mrs. fields, but i like that people are respectful to me at bath and body. and either way, i come out of work smelling good.

Q. which one of your kids is your favorite.
A. oooooh, a tricky one. madison is my favorite kid to go shopping with. she always tell me EXACTLY what she thinks, so i guess that might be a good thing. parker is my favorite kid to play board games with. he's a super sore loser, and a super happy winner. delaney is my favorite kid to joke around with. she's really funny, and she loves writing funny stories and jokes. beckett is my favorite kid to snuggle with. he'll lean into me, but not try to invade my space. anyone who knows me knows about my space issues.

Q. when did you know that you were going to marry nate?
A. the minute he showed up at my door for bridget rausch's wedding. we went together, he was my +1. he showed up, smiled at me, and as i looked into his eyes, i knew. we weren't even dating. 10 hours later, at the denny's (that's closed) off brooklyn blvd, he told me he knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. he was right.

Q. last question. thanks for your patience. what is the one word you could truly live without hearing even one more time.
A. epic. its the new "awesome" for this generation, and they say it ALLLLLLLLLL the time. look up the definition people. it doesn't mean what you are describing.

its weird

2010-01-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

growing up at lwcc, you got used to being at church. well, not really being at church. LIVING at church. we'd attend both services on sunday morning, and head back sunday night, and then again on wednesday night. one or two of us would have ministry practice during the week, so between puppet team or P&W band, we'd be back another night or two. that's not even taking into account any special guest ministers, or special youth activites that we would attend on the weekends. did i mention that my mom worked there, so a lot of summer days were spent helping her out at church?

you get the gist.

so when we started leaving LWCC a few years back, it was weird to have weekends back. truth be told, i kinda liked not having to get up on sunday mornings, and pack everyone's sunday best into the van and head to church. or lose out on the opportunity to veg out on a saturday night. and suddenly, its been a few months since you've been there. and then, a year goes by.

and the weirdest thing happens, you start to miss it.

nate and i are creatures of two things
1. comfort
2. habit

which is why, as middle kids, we are perfectly matched.

so the last few weeks, when we started looking for a new church, we realized it had to be on saturday nites, because we hate waking up early. and it had to be close, because even BP was too far to drive from our house. and that REALLY limited down the choices.

so i' m excited to say that we are trying out a church this morning (i had to work last night, otherwise we would have gone then) to a new church in Elk River that looks pretty cool. its young, and small, and nothing like anything we've seen in a while. and we're pretty excited about that. we won't be anyone's "hey, your so-and-so's brother/mom/sister/daughter/son". yeah, we get that we're not social people, but you saying that you think we're craig, or that you've never met me but heard all about me, doesn't make me want to stay and chat with you any longer.

i'm excited. to first days, and new beginnings.

today is a good day.....

2009-11-17T14:50:00.001-08:00

...... i decorated my first cookie cake all by myself. no help with the lettering. :)

...... i finally used the last check in the register with our apartment address on it. its like we've FINALLY moved on, and this is our forever home. no more little reminders every time i pay a bill. :)

..... parker and delaney have finally turned the corner with the colds they've been miserable with.

.... nate and i have found a new B&B we plan on visiting, a HUGE success considering that we went to the BEST one on our 1 year anniversary, and they closed down shortly after. can't wait to have some extra $$ so we can book a weekend. feels like the romance is starting already.

..... its bunco nite: enough said.

its been a great day. :)

lately...

2009-11-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

...i've been thinking about change. things i don't like about myself, or things that frustrate me, and how i can change them. nate doesn't believe in new years resolutions, whereas i am a HUGE fan of making a list with 5 goals, and trying to change them all. sadly, by week's end, or month's end, i've fallen off the horse, and i usually quit altogether.

i've had this bad habit since i was 13 or so. and every year, i swear i'm going to quit, and every year i fail. i even made a goal to quit before i'm 30, and then i failed. then i made a goal to atleast tell people, which would help keep me accountable for quittting, and i failed that too. its frustrating, because the pressure of doing/not doing it for so many years has seeped into other areas of my life, and kept me from doing a lot of other things. like being happy, and finding peace. and those are 2 VERY big things. and here's the thing about people with secrets, something most people don't think about: most people already know you do it, they just are waiting for you to tell them in your own time, rather than have to "bust you" on it. so i should be smart enough to know that people have figured it out, but instead, i hide it. and me.

thats the saddest thing to read in type.

i hate being called "the center of attention", because i'm not. i'm the person hiding inside the shell of the person in the center of the room, laughing with all my friends. and i wish i could change that.

its not just that one thing i'd like to change, but a number of things, in case you deem this post too serious. here's my list, of 7 little things, i'm sharing with you this saturday morning:

1. i'd like to drink less diet coke. i'm addicted. its sad. but i LOVE it. and thats sad too.
2. i'd like to watch less tv. i've been a tv nut since i was little. its weird.
3. i'd like to be a better listener. sometimes, i just check out.
4. i'd like to WANT to clean my house every week, and not just do it because i should.
5. i'd like to eat healthier, and be more active. not "thin", just in better shape.
6. i'd like to be better about going to church. we don't go at all, since we left LWCC
7. i'd like to stop losing my temper so much, and be a better wife and mom.

putting this all in words, in type, online, for people to read doesn't hold me more accountable to the things i want to change, but it helps me get it out. and i guess, thats enough change for me today.

i have a crabby dad

2009-11-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

i can vividly remember my dad paying bills. not so much paying them, as much as him dragging out a hard-sided briefcase, thumping it onto our kitchen table, and hearing those 2 clicks of the locks popping open. those 2 clicks were like a gunshot, as we raced to leave the room to avoid the upcoming wrath. he'd grab the checkbook, grab the receipts, and grab the LARGE stack of bills. it was a good way to ruin a perfectly nice saturday, cuz for the rest of the day, he'd be furious.

flash forward 20 years to me, sitting at my desk, pulling out my b&w composition notebook (even though i use quicken, it still helps me to see it on paper), and starting the day with 2 clicks of a pen. the kids were lucky enough to escape to school, but the dogs are laying on my bed in the other room, avoiding me. that long list of bills on the notebook stares me down, and they only go up every month. the 5 little lines that are our 5 jobs we share always seem staying the same, and the only thing that goes up is our frustrations. cutting back, check. working more, check. feeling the pinch, double check. its frustrating, living the american dream. owning a home, and watching so much of your money go right out the door (literally!).

i never understood why my dad was so crabby. our lives were so full, and our house was so great. we never had want for anything, and even though we may not have driven the "best" cars or had the latest anything, we had everything we needed. but i do get it now. his frustration was not with our spending, it was how his time was spent all day long at work. And once he did all the math, how very little he had to show for it once all the bills were paid.

i am so blessed, to be homeowner, still current on their mortgage, with all utilities paid in full every month, and groceries to feed our family of six. I'm grateful, so very very grateful. but sometimes, its like, in between the jobs and the kids, and nate and i just seeing each other in passing, i want to remember a time when it wasn't like this. and the sad thing is, there isn't one.

dear dad, i know why you were angry. you missed us, and the opportunity to be with us, because you were working hard to send your money to people who were just going to take it all again next month. i'm sorry i never realized it until now, when i've become that person too.

all i want....

2009-05-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

......by leslie jane

"eh-hemmmm"

all i want
is not much at all
just a few things to make me smile
make things go smoothly
make more people happy (including me)

all i want
is whiter teeth
longer hair
a smaller bottom
a bra that fits
less muffins in my middle
laundry that does itself
please and thank you's
and maybe a smile for no reason at all

all i want
is for people to find purpose
and fulfillment
without losing their hair
or their mind
or their way in the process
(this also includes me)

all i want
is for people to realize
how uneasy most of us feel
in our own skin
and how one GENUINE compliment
could change the day
the life
the world
to one person
who's truly in need

all i want
is to be motivated
stay motivated
start something
and then finish it
(and then have someone crown me with a tiara
and sash that reads "amazing mom finishes a task!")

all i want
is for everyone
to get one hug today
and close their eyes
and enjoy it
not think about the groceries
or the budget
or their next motorcycle ride
or the projects left on their desk
or the lawn covered in dandelions
or the mistake you just made (and will probably make again)
or the mess left in the sink

just that hug
just that moment
just the love stuck in between you and that person

so today
and everyday
all i want
is everything
but for now
i'll be happy
with what i already have

What Happened?

2008-12-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

I've been so good about being budgety lately. Our dining expenses are way down, and I've cut back where I can in groceries and gas. It was probably a good thing I did, because my job at Bob's Produce Ranch ended this past Sunday, when I was told through a phone call that "the store was closing effective immediately."

Yep, that sucked big time!

So imagine my surprise when I opened my cell phone bill and found a HUGE jump in the amount I'm used to paying. I thought it was a mistake, and started scrolling through the bill. Then I found this.

those are just the extra charges on my phone, above and beyond what my normal bill is. See, the genius that I am, I reduced nate and my text messages per month, to cut our bill about $40. smart, right? only, from the looks of it, I went over my messages by about 227, and got charged that money anyways. AND, on top of that, since i figured out how to check my facebook on my phone, i racked up some hefty media net (internet) charges too, to the tune of $30.

DAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGG!

moral of the story: sometimes saving money can cost you money if you aren't being careful.

i am a mom of a tweenager

2008-12-22T14:47:00.000-08:00

that's her in the front row center. she's great. (still a teenager, but great!) i let her have some of her mca friends over last friday night. it's important to me that she keeps those friendships, and it makes me feel good knowing the people she's letting in to her life. they were a swarm of fashion, gossip and fun...all at the same time. half the time, she was my little girl, decorating gingerbread men and laughing. the other half, i caught myself staring, not recognizing the voice of a girl who knows WAY more than i thought she did. (note to self, must have the dating talk again with her). we always tell her that she was the reason we have 4 kids: had she not been the sweetest and best baby ever, we would have never wanted more. she was so great, we knew we wanted more kids just like her.

last friday, i remembered why.

a new JibJab Christmas

2008-12-06T11:36:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Christmas Conversations

2008-12-05T14:44:00.000-08:00

1. Do you have a real or artificial tree? Artifical, all the beauty without the mess.
2. Do you like eggnog? in small quantities.
3. Favorite Holiday memory? getting a tube sock with stocking stuffers instead of a "classic" stocking. my dad's mom, grandma almquist, was a budgety lady.
4. Favorite Christmas movie of all time? White Christmas.
5. What do you have for dinner at Christmas? Christmas Eve: All nibblies (the best!) Christmas Day: Turkey and Ham, and all the fixings
6. Favorite Christmas song? A Baby Changes Everything by Faith Hill
7. Favorite Christmas treat? Spritz Cookies
8. Do you put up lights on the outside of your house? Nope, nate does. :P

slippery slope (not soap, blue's clues fans)

2008-11-18T05:37:00.001-08:00

so nate and i have purposed to not spend money going out to eat lately. one, because we should be spending our money more wisely than dining out. and two, because we felt that our kids had become "too comfortable" with going out to eat all the time, when its actually a blessing to be taken out, so it should be a reward.

anyways.

so this past weekend, friday namely, nate and i met up in plymouth to hang out while parker was at a birthday party at pump it up. every parent has suffered through this once or twice, so you do the best to stay busy. we decided to go to leann chin. YUM! what a treat, considering we hadn't been there in such a long time. so we eat dinner, bum around michaels crafts for a while, and then pick up parker.

but after we get him, we're feeling "peckish". so we decide we need dessert from wendy's. namely FROSTYs!

not too bad, right? keep reading.

then on saturday, after i get off work to find out i have a flat tire (bummer!), we head up to Tires Plus to get a spare put on. they tell us they're going to order one, so kill the time letting the kiddos spend their birthday $ at target. but let's get some snacks at the cafe first.

cha-ching

then sunday, through all sorts of lack of planning, it becomes 2 o'clock before the kids haven't even eaten lunch. i am running out the door for the 5th, so i tell nate just to take them to BK.

double cha-ching

after the 5th, since i never ate lunch, nate and i decide to get some chipotle and have a mini date night. fun?? yes. romantic? yes. budgety?

no.

fast forward to monday morning, when i balance the checkbook every week. it balances, but i can't figure out why i don't have any grocery money.

oh yeah, its because i spent $97 in three days on things that (through planning and a little effort) i could have made at home.

like i said, its a slippery slope. nate and my new favorite catch phrase:

"lesson learned"

just for miss susan

2008-11-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

thank you for your kind words. you touched my heart, truly. so, comment away, my friend. :)

here come's the bride

2008-11-16T09:03:00.000-08:00

my cousin is getting married next june.

my aunt asked if we'd come to the wedding, it would mean a lot to tina.

sure.

so i go to drivepricing.com to find out how much gas will be. $300

sure, still coming.

and then i go start pricing out hotels for six. keep in mind, i want to have a nice one, with a pool, that's close to everything fun and the wedding. and, it needs to be for 4 nights. $700

possibly still coming.

and then i start pricing out fun things to do in the area. because i TALKED nate into coming with us (its a heglund thing, so its obligatory at best!), so this is our family vacation. $300+

we might come.

just kidding! we're going. it just goes to show how much a "sure, we'll come" will cost you.

this is what i get for having a job

2008-11-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

i work. at bob's produce. an entry level job where i love the people. yep, i do.

saturdays and sundays. i'd rather not work, but our budget requires it right now. saturdays i work a 6-8 hour shift, and then come home to make dinner, run laundry and homework. sundays i start at 7 am at Bob's, work until 2:30, come home and shower, and then head to the 5th service until 9:00 or so. its not new, its been going on for a while. it is what it is.

i'm not whining, just giving you an idea of what goes on.

i try to make it easy on nate when i am gone. leave him easy meals, and very little "to-do" list things to do. i tell him, "the kids don't have to do their 'chore lists' (every mom has a once a week chore list), but just have them keep the house picked up".

here's what he understood it to mean:

"please make sure that you leave any messes you don't want to clean up for me to do on my day off on Monday. "

and here's a taste of what i woke up to, which i will be cleaning for the next four to six hours. keep in mind, its my "day off".

happy monday to me.

another day, another laugh

2008-11-06T05:32:00.000-08:00

a little humor

2008-11-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

sometimes words just fail me...

Sometimes I hate Facebook

2008-10-21T11:41:00.001-07:00

k-

i see all these photos from parties i'm not at, and weddings of people from LONGGGGGG ago, with friends that were friends equally long ago, and i wonder why i'm not in them. not invited, not mentioned, not even a thought.

its not like i have a lifestyle like theirs, or have careers like theirs, or even have a need to be friends with them anymore, but so much of my life is spent....where? i have re-typed that sentence with three different endings, and none of them make sense. i have kids, but so do the people in the photos. i have a job, and so do the people having fun. i have a husband, and so do everyone in the photos of couples having game nites and parties.

so what is it?

i feel like most of my life is spent on the sidelines, watching everyone having fun, and wishing i could be a part of it. someone the other day found out i was "invited" to go out to lunch with some friends, and they asked "why are you hanging out with my friends? i didn't think they were your friends." and she was right.

they aren't my friends. they are just people who invite me to things, because they know that i bring a lot of fun with me.

yay me!

the sad part of it is that most of my life is spent indoors, watching tv, hanging with my kids, and being with my husband. because we don't get invited to things, we don't have any other couples we hang out with, and i don't feel like i have any real true friends, other than my two sisters and people that i call "co-workers"

this is me, wondering why life at 31 feels strangely like life in high school. and wishing, again, that i felt like i belonged.

how many burgers does it take to feed a motorcycle gang?

2008-10-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

what did you do today?

i cleaned my house, and then fed 14 guys from a motorcycle shoot nate did this morning. the group included hard-core riders from the Black Sheep, to weekend riders like nate's dad. they came down our street, roaring on their choppers, and came into the house like a cloud of black leather. all smiles and hellos though, these guys were one of a kind. nate showed up after they did, but was happy to find that the kids had done a good job being good hosts while i manned the grill. everyone enjoyed jalepeno jack and bacon cheddar burgers from bob's produce, and everyone left full! nate was happy, and so was i.

there's gotta be a lesson in here somewhere!

2008-10-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

so this past sunday, nate and i were supposed to go see my fave singer (marc broussard) at the varsity theater. its been a little more than 2 years since marc came, so i was THRILLED to find out he was coming. i bought the tickets months ago, so i had a countdown going of the days until we went. fast forward to sunday: our kids were being HORRIBLE, and although i have been fine with leaving the kids home under madison's supervision before, they were at each others throats. so we made a big decision to skip it. we're out the money, but hey, we got the night together, right?

:crushed:

now skip back to yesterday. nate comes home from work, after a long week of impossible deadlines and too many malfunctions to name, and tells me that he is no where near ready for the motorcycle shoot he's planned for saturday, and needs all the time he can to get ready for it. which means friday night's plan is out. did i mention i had third row seats at the weezer concert tonight at the xcel energy center? and they are nate's favorite band? and the tickets cost a small fortune? and nate doesn't want to try and sell them on craigslist or anything, he'll just "give them away to someone at work".

:double crushed:

so now, with only one more set of tickets in hand (15th row for "Wicked" at the Orpheum), i am wondering if i should stop buying tix to concerts and stuff, because my best intentions turn into capital losses for our budget. i REALLY want to go to wicked, and have already warned nate that even if he decides not to go, i will take one of my friends and go. what are the odds we would have to cancel for a third time?

i don't even want to think about it!

its a budget, people!

2008-10-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

well here's my attempt at a second "riveting" post. nate and i were paying the mortgage ( i love it!) today, and looking at our upcoming bills for the month. its interesting, looking at how things have changed since we moved in. for instance: diet coke, although a staple in my book, goes unreplenished if my grocery money has already been spent. and the bills, well, in the apartment, it was cell phone, cable, and electric (all totaling less than $200 a month).

now, its garbage, water, electric, heat, cable (extra awesome cable with a dvr!), home phone, and insurance. and i am looking at all these bills, and like most people, trying to figure out a way to cut them back a bit. i could lose the dvr and super+ cable, but its my one luxury item in life. did i just say that? then our cell phones, i could cut back to less than 200 txts a month, but i would end up paying more just because my sisters and i are addicted to txting a few times a day, so its cheaper just to keep the plan.

groceries. yep, 6 people, four of them being starving children. haha. nope, that ain't it.

then it occurred to me today that i enjoy watching my super+ cable (on our 50 inch plasma) when i come home from work at 230ish. and then i watch when my shows are on around 7, until 9 or so. then we clean up, load the dishwasher, and get in bed around 11. then i watch tv (on my 13 inch) for an hour or so more, and then set my sleep timer on the tv for 90 minutes so i can fall asleep to it (melissa knows what i am talking about!) overall, i figure that i watch tv or have the tv on for 6 hours a day, on a productive day. on my days off, its not unusual for me to keep the tv on while i watch old 90210 reruns while cleaning up or running laundry, so add a few hours more. i know, its disgusting, but bear with me here.

so while i am pondering all this over while paying bills, nate mentions to me that with winter approaching, our gas bill will only get higher as we heat the house (its on no setting right now, since the house stays perfect without heat or cool). this gets me thinking: i wonder how much my constant tv watching affects our electric bill? so i get a great idea to challenge myself (and hopefully, my budget):

for the next month, i will no longer be watching tv during daytime hours, and will limit my tv watching time to 7-9 pm. that means, no more 90210, no more late night "seinfeld" or "will and grace" reruns while i fall asleep. and if its not a tv night where one of my "shows" is on, the tv won't get turned on. overall, i think i will, cut our electric bill by a quarter (or maybe a third!). right now, our electric bill is about $121.00 a month. this a good chance for me to change my very worst behavior (mindless tv watching), and maybe improve my budget a bit. i think it will be great.....i hope! thoughts???

a time for thankfulness

2008-09-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

a year ago, we were in a 3 bedroom apartment, with four kids, wondering when our "big break" would come. we'd already moved twice, and this apartment was the nicest place we'd ever lived in. before this, a low income townhouse, where we hated the thought of sending our kids outside by themselves. before that, we had a home in crystal. a small home, our first home, but it was ours. our situation wasn't unusual: we owned a house, and with that house, came a lot of debt. We owned the debt, but really never owned up to it, until we fell behind in our house payments, then our credit cards, then our utilities. the phone rang off the hook all day long, but i never answered it. my cell phone was a safe bet to answer, when it wasn't being shut off for lack of payment.

to say that it was completely my fault would be entirely true. i was a stay at home mom, wanting to live like her friends, with things and playdates and cars and "the life"! but that wasn't where we were at. i spent, money I never had, online, and in catalogs, and in person. when nate took away my credit cards, thinking that it had solved the problem, but i had memorized the numbers long beforehand. i spent, he worked, and i kept spending. i kept waiting for that big bailout, when someone would give us all the money to solve our problems. but it never came. when the foreclosure notices started coming, i ignored them. when collectors came knocking on our front door, the kids and i "played hide and seek" upstairs, me always peeking out the windows until the collector drove away. i was depressed, suicidal, ready to leave nate. not because i didn't love him, but because i would have rather left than stay inside the black hole i had created for myself. our families tried to help, lending us money to get ahead again, but within a month, we'd get behind.

so what happened?

a GOD moment.

everyday, i'd call my sister kelly, begging her to pray for me and help me figure out what to do. she never knew what to do, but she'd always pray with me on the phone. then one day, she called me and said, " i just passed this truck that said they buy houses, and i think God is showing it to me so that you can get out of your house and start over". i was floored! none of the scenarios i'd imagined said that we'd leave the house. but we'd grown to hate the house, and all the debt and turmoil that we'd bought with it! i called, and the next day, a man came out and looked at the house. he said a lot of work needed to be done (it did!), so that would affect how much money we would get out it. he offered us $2000 up front, just so we could get on our feet, and then a little more than that when the house sold. this was the best and worst thing imaginable. we'd get out of the house, but lose everything that we wanted with it. we'd lose our freedom, and that sense of success you get when you achieve your dreams.

but it wasn't up to us. the sheriff was coming, and we had to move.

so we rented a roll off dumpster, emptied 2 years of things that we knew we'd never have room for into it, found a low income place we could afford, and moved. when we drove away, kelly and fred were there, with our four kids and our short life of memories stuffed into the trunk. i cried, but not for the house, but for the person i had become, and the affect of my decisions. i vowed that we would never be there again.

there was no bailout, no "big cash bonus", just a lot of hard work, and a lot of stress. nate and i took more jobs than any 2 people with four kids should have. it was humbling, because most of our friends wouldn't even visit our house, because it was so bad. our garage got broken into the first night we were there, so that says something! we lost our pride, and the false sense of who "we SHOULD be", and woke up to who we really were. we were broke, and starting over, but we were blessed to get a second chance. we got financial aid, we got WIC and MAC, and any other free program we could. nate's parents frequently dropped by "extra groceries" they said they didn't have room for, and my sisters were constantly buying 2 of everything, and giving one to me. it was humiliating for us, but it taught us a valuable lesson: the life we lead is only what we make of it. we suffered for what we'd done to ourselves, but found hope every day in the promise that a better day was coming. our marriage was strengthened by our need to cling to each other, because that's really all we had. each credit card we paid off felt like a victory, and the debt total kept going lower and lower!

we moved to the apartment, but only because our kids had grown, and so had our need for safety and space. we kept chugging away at the debt, and last november, we made the final payment on our unimaginable mountain of debt. to say that it feels great is an understatement. i feel proud of myself, and nate, but i am grateful for the opportunity to prove to everyone that people can change.

so we saved, and worked, and dreamed of owning a home again. our priorities changed, and saw that our family was our focus again. when nate resigned from LWCC, his employer of 9+ years, we thought we'd never get into a house, but God took our leap of faith and blessed us with an opportunity to own the home of our dreams. every single thing we'd put on our "wish list", we'd found, and in a price range we could afford.

this july, on our 10 year anniversary, we closed on our dream house. we brought our kids with us to the closing, because we all had to work to get here. and we never stop telling them that this dream was a gift from God, one we had to be patient for. somewhere along the way, i stopped expecting to be like everyone else, and just started loving MY life and MY kids, just the way we all were. i awoke from the person i had become, complacent and selfish, and found myself in a place of grace. every day when i drive up in the driveway, i smile, because at the end of my rope 4 1/2 years ago as we drove away from our first house, i never expected that God would bring me home again, but He did.