Tuesday, November 17, 2009

today is a good day.....

...... i decorated my first cookie cake all by myself. no help with the lettering. :)

...... i finally used the last check in the register with our apartment address on it. its like we've FINALLY moved on, and this is our forever home. no more little reminders every time i pay a bill. :)

..... parker and delaney have finally turned the corner with the colds they've been miserable with.

.... nate and i have found a new B&B we plan on visiting, a HUGE success considering that we went to the BEST one on our 1 year anniversary, and they closed down shortly after. can't wait to have some extra $$ so we can book a weekend. feels like the romance is starting already.

..... its bunco nite: enough said.

its been a great day. :)

Saturday, November 7, 2009


...i've been thinking about change. things i don't like about myself, or things that frustrate me, and how i can change them. nate doesn't believe in new years resolutions, whereas i am a HUGE fan of making a list with 5 goals, and trying to change them all. sadly, by week's end, or month's end, i've fallen off the horse, and i usually quit altogether.

i've had this bad habit since i was 13 or so. and every year, i swear i'm going to quit, and every year i fail. i even made a goal to quit before i'm 30, and then i failed. then i made a goal to atleast tell people, which would help keep me accountable for quittting, and i failed that too. its frustrating, because the pressure of doing/not doing it for so many years has seeped into other areas of my life, and kept me from doing a lot of other things. like being happy, and finding peace. and those are 2 VERY big things. and here's the thing about people with secrets, something most people don't think about: most people already know you do it, they just are waiting for you to tell them in your own time, rather than have to "bust you" on it. so i should be smart enough to know that people have figured it out, but instead, i hide it. and me.

thats the saddest thing to read in type.

i hate being called "the center of attention", because i'm not. i'm the person hiding inside the shell of the person in the center of the room, laughing with all my friends. and i wish i could change that.

its not just that one thing i'd like to change, but a number of things, in case you deem this post too serious. here's my list, of 7 little things, i'm sharing with you this saturday morning:

1. i'd like to drink less diet coke. i'm addicted. its sad. but i LOVE it. and thats sad too.
2. i'd like to watch less tv. i've been a tv nut since i was little. its weird.
3. i'd like to be a better listener. sometimes, i just check out.
4. i'd like to WANT to clean my house every week, and not just do it because i should.
5. i'd like to eat healthier, and be more active. not "thin", just in better shape.
6. i'd like to be better about going to church. we don't go at all, since we left LWCC
7. i'd like to stop losing my temper so much, and be a better wife and mom.

putting this all in words, in type, online, for people to read doesn't hold me more accountable to the things i want to change, but it helps me get it out. and i guess, thats enough change for me today.

Monday, November 2, 2009

i have a crabby dad

i can vividly remember my dad paying bills. not so much paying them, as much as him dragging out a hard-sided briefcase, thumping it onto our kitchen table, and hearing those 2 clicks of the locks popping open. those 2 clicks were like a gunshot, as we raced to leave the room to avoid the upcoming wrath. he'd grab the checkbook, grab the receipts, and grab the LARGE stack of bills. it was a good way to ruin a perfectly nice saturday, cuz for the rest of the day, he'd be furious.

flash forward 20 years to me, sitting at my desk, pulling out my b&w composition notebook (even though i use quicken, it still helps me to see it on paper), and starting the day with 2 clicks of a pen. the kids were lucky enough to escape to school, but the dogs are laying on my bed in the other room, avoiding me. that long list of bills on the notebook stares me down, and they only go up every month. the 5 little lines that are our 5 jobs we share always seem staying the same, and the only thing that goes up is our frustrations. cutting back, check. working more, check. feeling the pinch, double check. its frustrating, living the american dream. owning a home, and watching so much of your money go right out the door (literally!).

i never understood why my dad was so crabby. our lives were so full, and our house was so great. we never had want for anything, and even though we may not have driven the "best" cars or had the latest anything, we had everything we needed. but i do get it now. his frustration was not with our spending, it was how his time was spent all day long at work. And once he did all the math, how very little he had to show for it once all the bills were paid.

i am so blessed, to be homeowner, still current on their mortgage, with all utilities paid in full every month, and groceries to feed our family of six. I'm grateful, so very very grateful. but sometimes, its like, in between the jobs and the kids, and nate and i just seeing each other in passing, i want to remember a time when it wasn't like this. and the sad thing is, there isn't one.

dear dad, i know why you were angry. you missed us, and the opportunity to be with us, because you were working hard to send your money to people who were just going to take it all again next month. i'm sorry i never realized it until now, when i've become that person too.